enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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A full day. Weary.

Oh dolls...today was one of those days.

I love C., but he can sometimes be so difficult to spend time with. He can be so very critical of me. He's very uptight about many things. So he brings me down from my joy.

It's not that today was a bad day. It was simply a bit onerous.

This morning I had decided not to go to yoga, but C. called and encouraged it, so I decided on the margin it would be worth it. The men who bought my house were in the apartment below preparing for renovation at an early hour this morning, so I was already a bit agitated. (What a terrible constitution to have!)

Yoga was OK, although I was distracted. My colleague A., whom I had thought could be a friend was there. We went for brunch after the class. She has many nice qualities, but I have discovered that she's very competitive at work, and not over the things that matter to me. She's a lawyer and has less experience than I have, so we're not in direct competition, but I've found that she's very, very concerned only with promotions. She also likes to gossip about other women there. She bothered me with something she said a week ago about a woman who had competed with her for a position, and then today again she was going on about the same thing.

I find it very difficult to find people I truly like. For me, unfortunately, it is important that I admire and respect people. It is important that they have values that I respect. Being competitive over things that don't matter, i.e. things related only to status and not to quality of work, making a contribution to society, etc., I hate. I really hate it. So, by extension, I don't want to be friends with her anymore.

I know if I'm always so hard on people i will end up getting rid of all of my "friends," but I just don't like it.

C. could tell that the whole thing had been bothering me today, so when we went for a long bike ride in the hills he brought it up again. He said that she won't understand and that clearly her values aren't in line with mine, so I'm probably going to have to stop going out with her.

It's true. I ask you, though: Where are the good people who aren't just about money and the best house and the best stuff? Where are the people who truly care about giving value for money? I mean, I only work with bureacrats, but so many of them seem to be more about having a nice house and a comfortable life and that's it. For me - and this makes me an idealist and a bit of an idiot - it is very, very important that I not only put in as much effort as possible to give value for money, but also to be making a contribution to society. I care more about that than the level of pay. I only worry about money because I had none for so long, and I'd love to be finally free of my student loans. But overall, I've made the choices I've made in my job because it's a skilled job that requires intense effort. I don't want an easy ride or to be paid at a level I don't deserve. I want to be good at and worthwhile in what I do.

I don't know. I'm exaggerating, I suppose. I just presume that people are all searching for "meaning" in what they do, as I do. And then I find them so disappointing.

But whatever. Maybe that's my "issue."

The bike ride, on the other hand, was rather lovely. I saw a bear! ReallY! I was riding along ahead of C. and I thought I saw a dog about to cross the path. I didn't think much and then when I was close I realized that it was a black bear cub!! It was so cute! I called to C. but the bear was back in the woods before you could say "Boo!"

Very cute. I always see wildlife. There was a giant porcupine waddling along on one of my rides a while back.

Anyhow.

So tonight, right after the ride, I agreed to go to a movie with C. and a woman he has had a crush on forever. I enjoyed the movie, but after the movie we went for a beer and I found the conversation awkward. I think I'm just tired.

All of that irritation via C. made me feel a tiny bit lonely, which I haven't felt in a while, and which fortunately has abated now that I'm at home.

I'm just tired. And I have moving and some work stress to deal with in the next few weeks.

But then I am going to Italia!!!! I'm going to have so much fun. It will be all craftsmanship all of the time. And then in November I will be in my new home.

Exciting!

I'm almost done with the sweater of doom, if you can believe it. I have about a third of the final sleeve to finish and then the "making up." I should be able to finish it tomorrow, or perhaps some day this week.

XO XOXOXOXOXOX

11:00 p.m. - 2009-10-03

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