enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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trip the light fantastic

I just crawled my way out of bed at nearly 11 a.m.!

Thank goodness, though. I haven't been sleeping a full night at all (for this entire week), and I've been exhausted. At least now I have a chance to enjoy the day.

This wakefulness feels much like the insomnia before a major event. I remember meeting Joan B3noit, the winner of the Olympic marathon in 1984 (L.A.) and having her tell me that she used to be so excited about events, knowing how fit she was getting, that she had trouble sleeping. I always wondered how her body could recover from the intense training without sleep. She's an interesting woman. She also told me that she used to drink a beer with dinner at night. It was nice to meet an athlete who wasn't all "religious" about pure living. The older generation of runners were more practical about these things.

So I must tell you that I've discovered lately that in fact many men are attracted to me. I hope you'll forgive the vanity implicit in this statement. I haven't thought this true for a long time, but I also haven't been out and about or in truly positive spirits in a long time.

These days, I'm quite happy, as you know. I've also been getting out a bit. I'm pretty sure I've been hit on about three times this week, and last night my friend A. confirmed that the dance instructor at the ballroom thing definitely seemed interested. (Of course, I left before he had a chance to ask me out. But I know his name!)

I think this is all good, mostly because I don't feel any pressure. I'm going to take my time. I'm interested in my activities. And it's not really about men. It's about feeling worthy and big enough to take up space.

The only small disappointments (both related simply to timing) I've realized in the last couple of days are 1) that I booked my plane ticket to Italy for the EXACT period of the writers' festival that I so wanted to go to (which wasn't my fault, but rather a function of work constraints), and 2) that there's a Turner exhibition in London that I really, really want to see.

The writers' festival miss is a huge disappointment. I tortured myself by looking over the program last night and there are not only some very interesting events scheduled but there are "late night" events as well. I could perhaps have not only enjoyed interesting talks but met interesting people. I'm very keen to expand my circle in Ottawa. There simply MUST be interesting people around!

With respect to the Turner event, I did discover that it ends in January. In theory, if I get my promotion in November, I could accelerate my trip to England to January. Not the nicest time to visit England. I did discover that the exhibition will go to Paris next, so in that case I could go to England first in April as planned and then on to Paris. That works. Somehow, however, it only seems fitting to see Turner in London (even if it's the same exhibition). I love Turner, by the way. It's light and vibration. Better than the Impr3ssionists, mostly, in my view.

Oops. I just realized that we'll be busy at work in January. I always somehow conveniently forget about the national fudge-it. Really, I have a memory like a sieve. It might be early; it might be late - for sure it will not be before the end of January, and more likely in February or March. I have no idea when.

Yes, April makes sense. :)

Oy.

I really am handicapped in the memory department. I have a very selective memory. I remember incredibly detailed things pertaining to calculations I did two years ago, but then I let go of dates and...well, anything that doesn't particularly interest me.

Blank stare.

They say that the brain has incredibly large stores of untapped space and resources, but I'm not so sure. Mine always seems like a very full shopping cart that needs reshuffling so as to not result in the eggs being crushed.

Every now and then I'd like to do a massive data dump, get rid of all of the pointless detritis of years past. There's so much else I'd love to cram in.

Wow I'm excited about the weeks to come. I feel as though I'm on a constant trajectory up, up, up and out of the leaden first couple of years of my time in Ottawa.

I just remembered something I must do. I must go and do it before I forget again. :)

This is all just so very BRILL, as Fifi would say! XO

10:45 a.m. - 2009-09-27

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