enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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He's still in there.

Oh my God.

I'm still hung up on Marco!

FLIP!

I'm having a difficult time thinking about this trip now, or at least of whether or not to see him. I think he has met someone, or in any event he has been behaving differently than before. I'm not getting any information about his life or business in the emails.

It was bound to happen. Perhaps it had happened before. I'm afraid it's going to be something distressing like a girl from California (he has many friends there, and pretty much all of his clients come from there, and he was there last year for three weeks for a wedding). C. reminded me that if he has a girlfriend from California it has nothing to do with me, per se. Marco loves California and could see himself living there. He could work there. He could never work at what he does in Ottawa. More importantly, he has no interest in Canada. "It's too cold."

I could see Marco ending up in L.A. I could never end up in L.A. We could not be more opposite in this regard, in many regards. End of story.

It's difficult to remain soft on someone though when the whole thing is pointless!

I think I'm more over him than I was before, but I do miss him. He's at the root a good man. Even I know that. And he makes me laugh. He understands what makes me sad and knows exactly what to say.

Hmm...if only I could focus on his less-admirable qualities (and there are many). It would be easier. And the bottom line is that he keeps on telling me, cryptically, "It's not easy. Men have histories. They have things from their past. They have problems. It's not easy for anyone. (And at other times: If I were ten years younger...)" He never tells me what he means by this, but it has been his refrain. Over and over again. I've given up trying to get more information. He doesn't want to make things work with me. End of story. And everyone I know would think me utterly mad for trying to make it work. For starters, the age gap, given his financial situation and his likely physical issues would make it quickly not great for me.

Ah well, only time will heal.

I'm very excited about going to visit my old friends in the paintings at San Marco. I might also go up to Assisi to see some of the works I've studied in my classes and never laid eyes on. I won't have time to do a course. I'm going to have to plan for a long trip to Italy in future (a month, I think), and as I think of it of course this will be impossible next year, since I'm already going to London and Paris in April/May.

So many things to do, so little time.

I ought to have a shower. It's yoga this morning. I love my Saturday yoga. I love to think about my new place. I like my new friends (e.g. the woman I went out with last night).

Did I mention that I'm going to a big band/ballroom dance thing tonight? I know that there will be dance demonstrations but I do hope that I will not be expected to dance! I can't dance! I agreed to go to this thing even though there will be no alcohol there and I will likely be thirty years younger again than the others there...and one of the lone singles...because a friend is playing in the big band for the event. I like the fact that I never think about whether something is a place at which I could meet people my age when I do things. I accepted the invite to this because it sounded nice. I was always an old lady, even when I was a little girl.

I don't know what I'll wear tonight. I don't own any sequins or blue eye shadow. :) I suppose it will have to be my black sheath. I bought a beautiful black wool sheath on sale a little while back and it is such a fabulous dress. It has a slit at the front to create a deep v (but doesn't show any cleavage), with little petals of silk satin on either side. It's very elegant. I love it.

OK. I'm off to shower!

Oh! You know that I have a problem with younger men liking me. Yesterday there was a fascinating young man with an M Ph!l from Oxford, who takes beautiful photographs and writes science reviews in his spare time. Totally weird. I can't say if he was at all interested in me, but he seemed to be trying to impress me. And I was thinking, "I like men like this, but I could not date a guy in his twenties." They seem like babies to me. I ought to get over that. There's another guy at work in his late twenties who seems to have a crush on me. That happens much more often than older dudes doing the same. I don't understand.

Ah well, the mysteries of the universe. I'm off to freshen up for yoga.

XO

8:43 a.m. - 2009-09-26

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