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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Sleepy

Oh lordy.

I sometimes think I'm growing, and other times I don't think I have a clue.

I went to yoga. During yoga I was thinking about M. Do I torture myself by seeing him when I'm in Italy? But if I don't see him will I still ruin my trip by thinking about him? I DON'T KNOW. But it's all a non-starter. I just wish I could see him and not care. When will that happen?

It's never easy, is it? Other people's romantic relationships always seem so silly, don't they? I said this to A. after the movie last night. When viewed from the outside, I'm sure that this thing of mine looks absolutely ridiculous and pitiable. A. and I agreed that it was sad to think that K3ats died after having known only such an immature version of "love." (provided the depiction was true, of course). A. actually said to me that she felt the father of her son had been more about infatuation than love. That's true for so many and so many relationships, don't you think? Every now and then you see the real thing, a love that has weathered time, and you think, "Cool." But it's rare. And you wonder why the people were willing to suffer so much to get there.

C. and I talked quite a bit about this, and about relationships in general this afternoon. It was very productive. (He's seeing someone new.)

In general I'm in a really good place with everything at the moment. I'm not feeling lonely at all - which I had been, a couple of months ago - and I'm not feeling any urgency about anything. I'm focused on getting into things - my drawing, my sewing and knitting, my work (obviously), new friends, new place.

I'm also very, very, very, very, very excited about Italy! I cen see myself walking down the streets of Florence. I can see that garden I walked by every day the last time - a small botanic garden associated with the university - and didn't go in. I can see the garden at the Four S3asons (where I will go for an expensive drink only and to people watch :)). I can see myself in San Marco and in San Mini@to. I can see myself cycling up Montesenario. I can see myself taking the train up to Venice for a couple of days to take photographs. I can see myself in the basilica in Assisi.

I can also see myself in a Tuscan villa making pasta (I'm going to do that, since an art course won't be possible in the time that I'm there). One day of pasta-making with some hot Tuscan cooks will be a nice diversion. :)

And I can see myself drawing in the Bobol! gardens or perhaps in Rome atop Gianicolo.

Ah....Italia!


Yeah, the general tenor of my life at the moment is joy. I love my new place. I love my drawing class and my art teacher's manner. I love the weather and yoga and the fact that I get to go to Italy. I have no entitlement to pining over this when I have soooo much opportunity and joy in life. I'm so grateful.

What was this all about again?

Yeah, I wish things were different between us. But they just are. And that's all there is to it. I've told him I'm coming; he's invited me to dinner. I hope to be compassionate and dignified and peaceful. Because it's still beautiful to have such a friend with whom I feel an understanding. And did I mention that he's lovely? I say this with the caveat that there was no hanky panky in May and there will not be this time. Well, that's the plan, anyhow...

XO

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3:06 p.m. - 2009-09-26

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