enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Morning manifesto!

Just a quick note before work...

I've hurt my achilles somehow, by the way, so I won't be running for a while. It's very strange. I have no idea how I did it.

Anyhow.

Anna was so kind to be understanding about me popping over to Italy. Thanks, Anna! I must say though that I awoke this morning wondering exactly why I am going back to Florence AGAIN.

I'm not very adventurous, am I?

I suppose I feel very good there. As I lay in bed I wondered about all of the things that I could do and quickly created a list of art I want to see again, day trips to little towns, a possible side trip to Venice or Lucca, and I was at peace again. I suppose that Florence also has the advantage of having predictable costs. The flight and my accommodation I know already will be cheap, so I can simply revel in the beauty of the surrounds and take myself for some wonderful meals. Perhaps I'll arrange one day of the cooking class, making pasta. And I can rent a bike and cycle up the mountain as I did with Marco in the spring.

All good!

I am very much having feelings of aversion to work at the moment. I'm starting to feel a bit resentful over the fact that I am working above the level of my pay. C. keeps on reminding me that if I want to make more I could easily compete at another department for a higher level, but that I want to stay in my job because it's a great job.

All of this is true. Still, I'd like to make more money. I mean, the money that is due to what services I'm providing. I know - be patient. The thing that irks me is that there are others making more than me who clearly shouldn't be - they are just more strategic.

I look rather crappy today. I only mention this as I am going to that singles event tonight. I couldn't be bothered putting on something nice and I'm feeling rather tired as I didn't sleep enough. Somehow I just KNOW that some asshole is going to hit on me and then when he finds out my age he is going to say something about my fertility. Men here seem to find it their due to point out that THEY can have children later in life.

I don't even want children, dude! And most especially I don't want children with you! You are clearly an idiot!

I don't suppose that I'll be invited back to any of these events if I say something like that. Not sure. But I don't want to embarrass my friends.

I'm not making this stuff up, either. This sort of thing has been the thread of my dating experience in Ottawa. I meet guys who are in their mid-40s or older whilst I am in my mid-30s (or at least I was, when I got here), and within an hour or two they're saying things such as, "You're getting to the point of being too old to bear healthy kids." (This is after they've expressed disappointment that I'm over 35, because they always think I'm younger (I don't like being perceived as younger, actually...because I then have to go through all of the shit of seeing someone's face fall.)

In the past I've gone through the whole rigamarole about how women a generation or two or three ago were not using birth control and were still having babies into their 40s...you know, until menopause...since that's how it works.

Also, yes, it is more difficult for a woman over 40 to get pregnant, but by the way I read that it's much, much, much easier for a woman between the ages of 35 and 40 to get pregnant if her partner is under 30. The odds are greatly reduced with a man over 40.

Oh, and by the way, the research hadn't previously been done (because everything is woman's fault), but scientists now realize that many birth defects are directly related to the FATHER being over the age of 40.

Asshole.

Am I permitted to say this??

Actually, my preference is to refuse to answer any questions about my fertility or attitudes towards it. If some dude says something to me I'm going to simply say, "It's clear that we're not a match. I wouldn't date a guy who would pressure someone on that at a first meeting."

Do you know what bothers me more than male stupidity? It's a simple thing, and it makes me so angry. It's their sense of entitlement.

Wow! A little bit of anger there, EB??

I suppose so.

Well I'm glad I got that out of my system. I know that the married among you say that there are good men out there. I'm increasingly doubtful. I really am. I'd like to believe otherwise, like I'd like to believe in unicorns, but I'm grown up now.

XO

8:37 a.m. - 2009-09-25

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