enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I don't even have to remind myself.

Slept well and woke up feeling great this morning!

I have a feeling that the running is important in this - C. and I ran yesterday afternoon/evening quite far. Afterwards I went to the supermarket and stocked up on delicious things. I ate fresh kale from a local farm last night - steamed and with bits of kalamata olives thrown in, olive fougasse, fresh brie. It was nice.

I'd had a bit of an unhappy afternoon yesterday. I mean, I was OK, but I found myself getting frustrated by mid-afternoon that I hadn't been able to decide on anything to do. I had been feeling really tired and off - and had had a stomach ache the day before - but it irritated me that I couldn't figure out something specific to do and then get out and do it. Sometimes I get really annoyed with myself during these times that I don't motivate myself to at least read a book, finish my knitting. I just read stuff on the 'net yesterday and felt anxious about not getting out to do something OUT there...

Silly.

The evening was better. I read a book and then settled in with a movie and worked on my knitting.

I think I need to remember that life doesn't always need to be productive. A day hasn't been wasted if you haven't read two books and run a marathon. My mother was always restless and worried - never sat still - when I was growing up. Perhaps that's what that sense of not doing is all about.

So I feel better today. C. and I have a plan to go cycling in the woods. I find I'm up for that since I'm feeling quite well. I can tell that I'm better because the last two days when I looked in the mirror I was ghastly pale. Today I look fresh and pretty and have some colour and my hair is shiny.

So that's all good.

Things are good. I'm just a bit bored in this town as although I've made a few friends there's no one in particular whom I adore (other than C., of course). I find the people here largely rather boring. Nice, but boring. Annie is lovely, but at the moment she's concentrated on whether she should marry her rather dull economist boyfriend. She's caught up in the memory of a relationship she had with a diplomat who sounds like a bit of a cad. I've tried to tell her that if she's caught up in the romance of something it's probably because she wants to BE something herself, rather than be with someone like that. (I don't mean a diplomat, but often we are attracted to people who are something we think we want to be, e.g. me with my Olympic athlete boyfriend, yadda yadda.) She didn't seem to want to listen to me. But really, it's always about figuring out what YOU want, which is likely why I'm in an in-between space here in Ottawa with respect to dating. There's a big part of me that has one imaginary foot over in Europe, one foot here. I spend all of my lunches in my office, practically, and make no effort to flirt with any men. I do suspect that I'm intentionally holding myself back, hoping that somehow my magical Italian will figure things out. It's probably true, in spite of what I know. Fantasies are very compelling. yes, one needs to figure out exactly what one wants. It's rarely about other people.

I suppose you want serious, boring people to be running your country. I need to get comfortable with serious people. I mean, I AM one of them. :) (Oh! Speaking of boring, there is a funny line in a Bill N!ghy movie called The Girl in the Caf3. He's a national-level economist and he's at a *Gee Eight* summit in Iceland with the Chancellor of the Exchequer, which of course is hilarious to me. And one woman is speaking to one of the wives as she's preparing to sit down to dinner. The woman says, "Great. Three hours sitting next to the dullest man in Canada. And believe me, that's a competitive category." Gee, the scriptwriter must have visited Ottawa at some point. :) I loved that line. So true, dudes. So true. Do you know what pissed me off about the movie though? There was one top woman economist in the delegation and of COURSE she was single. She was hot though, so they're forgiven. :))

I'm trying to remember what my lovely New Year's Eve companion Fran-cis (French Canadian boy) said to me: "You've got to stop thinking about how what you're doing is wrong, just because it's different from what other people are doing. You're searching for something. That's good."

So there you go. Stop expecting something to hit like a thunderbolt. In fact, I know myself well enough to know that if something hit like a thunderbolt and I did something rash to pen myself in...I'd feel trapped and terrible. There's a big part of me that needs to be free.

Well enough about me. Boring as usual. I like the fact that I'm working my own way out of my own fugues though, having a laugh at my own expense. I can be silly.

And ultimately there's a spectrum of types of people and experiences. I might squawk, but I don't think I'd change very much in my life lived, even if I could go back with a magic brush. Sometimes I think I'd change my brain if I could. But even that I wonder about. So many people strike me as contented but incredibly dull. I am not sure that it's always worth it, but it's likely more interesting to be trapped in my brain than in many others. It's always about working with and within and around who you are. Every brain needs guidance and patience. I'm learning how to let go of many things. I can't always muster this letting go, but when I do it's all fine. It smooths out and I don't even need to remind myself that this too will pass.

I'd better go and fire up the tires on my super bicycle. How I love my bicycle. It's light enough that I can carry it with one hand. Today I'm going to ride through the entire wilderness park to the lookout. I have a bag of raw almonds for extra strength. Should be wonderful!

XO

10:02 a.m. - 2009-09-07

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