enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Just another boring status report!

Hey dudes,

Well I woke up this morning literally listing off in my head all of Marco's worst qualities, remembering all of the things that he proposed and never followed through on...and now I'm on Anna's page and thinking that few men at all are to be fancied.

I do still hold out hope that my mind will be changed and that I'll get lucky - as a rare few do - and find someone intelligent, curious, adventurous AND decent. I won't give up the optimism on that front quite yet. I do understand how small the probability is though that such a man - single, in good health, not decrepit or dependent, able to respect a woman as an equal - is to be found. Really, the probability is excruciatingly low. Adult women are often literally far superior in their development to men along most dimensions. There are few seriously all-around worthwhile single men to go around. I'm starting to lean towards Fifi's recent comment in thinking that it's sort of a matter of luck. Some women find these men without exerting any particular effort to do so, and some do not. And that's that.

As for Marco, well, there were things I enjoyed and a lot of bs. Now I'm free to think fondly of the good things and not encumbered by the bs. That's the best way to think of it.

Last night was rather low-key. I drank a bit of red wine whilst laughing over articles on the Internet, made some leek and potato soup, and then I flipped on the tv. I had the intention of knitting, which I did, to the accompaniment of "Four Weddings and a Funeral," which had just that moment started playing.

I have a fondness for all things even remotely English, so I can't say that I derive NO enjoyment from that movie. But what a stupid idea. Who would marry a woman as stupid and indecisive and deceitful as Andi3 McDow3ll, let alone actually fall in love with her?

I'm just asking.

Krist3n Scott Thomas is astonishingly beautiful though. I was reminded of that. There aren't very many actresses out there with that kind of magnetism. English actresses tend to do it very well. They don't always have the "perfect" faces and bodies of the Hollywood crowd. Rather, they have something much more interesting. I like the elegance of Kristen Scott Thomas. I like her cheekbones and the expression in her eyes. If you haven't yet seen "Il y a longtemps que je t'aime" of last year, run, don't walk to the video store. She puts in an unbelievable performance. Note to self: buy video.

So I did knit a little bit last night. One sleeve started. One additional sleeve and the putting together to go. Hopefully I'll get it done this fall.

I think that today is cycling. The weather looks to be beautiful and I'll love it once I get out there, but I must admit that I feel more motivated to sit in my pyjamas and eat cereal. I bought banana chips and organic dried cranberries yesterday to put in muesli.

Yeah, I know, I'm a laugh a minute.

I'm really getting somewhere lately, though. I'm feeling very reasonable about life. My expectations are low but not that low. I feel quite self-directing.

I've definitely managed to throw off job stress. My boss can say and do what he wants and my first message from it all is to not take it personally. I've realized that I am accountable to myself first, and since I pretty much always do my very best I have nothing to apologize for. So I view failure entirely differently. If my promotion is not accelerated to November and I get it instead in April, it won't be about me. It will be about someone else and I'll forget about it.

So that's good.

Also, I feel good about my other life choices. I'm trying to figure out what the next project will be, but in the meantime I'm drawing and reading and everything is kind of feeling groovy.

I'm pretty sure that the plan will be to prepare and go back to the drawing studio in Florence next summer. Prior to that I'm going to take a week or so and go to England. Yesterday I was thinking November. It could alternately be in the winter. I'm trying to figure out how to budget. Knowing about that promotion would help.

I'm pleased, in other words. I'm not even worried about potentially having to move. It's as though I've managed to reach in and flip the switch on my worries. I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts.

XO

9:43 a.m. - 2009-09-06

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