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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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She's still standing!!

Oh Lordy,

I have to say...it was a shitty week. I got my period today, so that explains at least a part of it. (You'd think I would have clued in when I thought of buying a chocolate brownie for breakfast.)

Some difficult days and issues this week, and I had dark circles under my eyes the whole time. This was odd, as I slept through the night the last three or four days. I think it's either sinus trouble or I was fighting a cold.

At any rate, I feel better today.

Whereas lately I haven't been looking forward to the weekends, this weekend I'm happy that one has arrived. I don't have any plans for it - and perhaps yesterday I felt badly about this - but I am listening to good advice not to dig down. I'm simply not going to think about it.

I was at lunch today with a bunch of people who seem as though they have much more going on than I do. But at the same time, their values don't align with mine and when I thought about it I realized that I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I've made the choices that are right for me.

Soo...the drawing is going well. I'm doing it, at least. I can see that it is going to take a long time before I become good at it. That's a bit exciting though. I have no problem with proportion and overall feel, but there's something significant missing from my drawings. I think I need to go crazy and take a sketchbook out with me and to draw all sorts of things randomly and rapidly.

I baked bread by hand last night. I almost never do that anymore. I was feeling a bit sad and lonely after receiving Marco's email, so I rolled up my sleeves and baked. It felt great. The bread, too, is very tasty and lovely as toast today. I really don't know why I don't do that more often. Always, rather than ruminating, it's a great idea to find something that you love - something that will activate those pleasure cells - and remind yourself that you are whole and breathing and perfect as you are.

My damn computer though - it's not liking me these days. The electrical occasionally goes on it and for all intents and purposes it is dead. There's probably a loose wire, I suppose, because once I manage to get it working this usually persists for a while.

The idea of buying a new computer for home burns me. I spend all day on a computer at work and so a computer is the last thing I want to spend my money on.

TOday, I want to spend money on a trip to Italy! I was looking at my photos from Venice at Christmas last year and they made me want to go back...And I didn't even like Venice much. Waaaaay too touristy. Bad food. Too many couples. UGH. Damp. Expensive. Art more florid than Florentine. But I do love the architecture.

Meh, who knows. I must admit that the dreaming of trips when everything is still open keeps me excited. Right now I can travel anywhere, mentally speaking.

This weekend I am going to follow through on my plan to revise the arrangement of my apartment. C. had a terrific suggestion yesterday about where I could put my sofa (that I still need to buy) and to where I could move my tv and put a table...and it changed my whole perspective on my living room. I'm going to try for now not to think about the fact that I might have to move in a few months. For now, I'm going to enjoy the space.

I actually went to see an apartment last night. I'm not properly looking, but an apartment came up in C's building. It was $200 more expensive and smaller and had no laundry in the apartment, so was much less attractive than mine. I think I'm going to try to forget about all of this for now and hope for the best. If a worst-case scenario arises and I do have to look around I guess the best way to think of it is that at least I can afford a range of apartments. Not everyone is so lucky. Soo...

That was a ramble. I guess that was a list of all of the things on my mind today.

I might write something of interest later. But then again, maybe not.

I also need to think about when I want to go to England. I wonder if I should still be planning that trip for spring. I do love England. And of course, who could resist an invitation from dear Anna??!!!? I hope she has a coat of many colours for me to wear when I'm there. I could use a bit of boho sprucing up, don't you think?

OK. I'm going to eat toast and pour a glass of wine to celebrate the end of a rather tough week. Do you know, I am truly starting to believe that art is always the answer.

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6:45 p.m. - 2009-08-28

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