enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Goal: equilibrium.

Eek! I have to get ready for work.

I had a good sleep last night and I feel relatively good. Still not completely in equilibrium, but heading back there.

I think I've decided not to go to Paris at Christmas. It's a lot of money to go when the weather won't be great and I might end up feeling quite lonely. I think I'll make an alternate plan. And besides I'll be going to London and then probably on to some other place as well in just seven months.

Well, that's all OK. I need to focus on here. I've never enjoyed Christmas, because of bad memories, but I'll try to make it a decent Christmas here. C. might be in Germany but Annie told me yesterday that she'll be here. I'll figure something out. And of course perhaps I'll change my mind soon enough and plan another wee trip. Just something not so monumental and also not involving someone else whose consistency and honesty are slightly in question on the whole thing. Well, you know what I mean.

Do you know what my resistance is though in canceling and thinking that my friend was unfair in not telling me about the guy? It's that I feel guilty for not "growing" by just forgetting about her plans and going with her and enjoying myself anyhow. It always feels "wrong" when I withdraw into myself and do my own thing. Sooner or later I feel I need to go along with what someone else wants, rather than do only what I want and by myself. I hope that makes sense.

Must get into the shower!! :)

Have a GREEEEEEEEEEEAT day!
:)

You know, I don't know why I don't ever think of the analogy of life as a marathon. I've run 25 marathons and done endless training for them and my half marathons and 10k races...and yet I never think about this. Every single marathon was painful - there were minutes that seemed like hours that I had to struggle through to keep my pace. I think I need to remind myself of this when moments in life get tough. Everything passes. :)

8:40 a.m. - 2009-08-26

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