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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The happiness gap

Well, what a couple of shit-astic days.

I'm sorry for the expression.

I've worked through all of the thoughts and sadness that I've felt, bit by bit. Gruelling work.

I think I'm over the disappointment re. the guy.

But the disappointment re. the friend - more complicated.

C. pointed out to me that I'm probably affected by it out of proportion, and I thought his argument was interesting. He suggested that since K and I don't communicate much or see each other very often we don't know each other very well anymore. I agree and I don't agree - some people you see the essence of. What C. argues though is that I shouldn't be so bothered by her having other objectives on this trip, and go about my business. He thinks I'm upset about her behaviour because everyone who turns out not to care that much about me or my feelings is a repeat of my parents.

I think there's something valid there. I'm probably struck to the core more than I ought to be by friends disappointing me.

Still, it's not as though I was expecting her to spend every minute of the trip with me, or even for us to stay together. In fact, when she proposed the trip last week my first thought was that of course we would stay in our own, individual accommodation and would meet up to do things.

What bothered me in all of this, and I WOULD like opinions on this, is that she invited ME AND suggested that we share an expensive apartment, and then told me about the guy later, after I'd already committed. To me that seemed dishonest - maybe dishonest with herself; maybe dishonest with me.

I can compare this to the Marco situation.

Although I clearly went to Italy to see Marco, I did not invite anyone to join me, or inconvenience anyone there. I met up with Joan there who did not in any way go there to spend time with me. She was there to do her art course and enjoy the fashion and so on. Furthermore, when we did make plans to meet up, Joan and I, I didn't call Marco, talk excessively about him, or think about being with him. When I was there with Joan I was there with my friend Joan.

I would never have done to K. what she did to me. Still, I take C.'s point that I shouldn't have felt as utterly devastated by her machinations as I did yesterday. Clearly, it's the loneliness thing that I've been feeling that created and magnified that disappointment. I just could not imagine being in an apartment with her and her French lover in the bedroom and me on the sofa, at CHRISTMASTIME.

I suppose there is a parallel with K. and I in our former lives. When I lived in Australia she was very kind to me. When things were going badly with Shaun, I would visit her in Sydney and stay on her couch. At the time she was madly in love with a real idiot who was always in her apartment. Ultimately he ended up stealing her money and a lot of her dignity, so I suspect that there's a highly-conflicted part of me that at once remembers how kind she always was to me, whilst remembering also how TERRIBLE her taste in men has been. (When I was in Aus in 2004 she had yet ANOTHER idiot boyfriend, whom I suspected might even have been physically abusive. I HATED him.)

So, there you go. This French guy might be lovely. But he might also be a philandering jerk. You just never know. And either way, I suspect that this French guy will be another fantasy man like my fantasy Marco was for me. Let's call a spade a spade. Clearly, the two of us have weaknesses in terms of romantic intimacy.

Still, I just didn't want to be in an apartment with them.

So I think I'm not going. I wrote to her today that I am reconsidering the trip altogether. I said I would possibly still go but that I need to give it quite a bit more thought.

I could go on so many other trips, at many other points in life.

And maybe if I choose to go to Paris this Christmas it should be just for myself, and all alone.

Who knows. I'll figure it out.

I feel much better today, however, so that's the good news. I still had a terrible day at work, but I'm regrouping and will do much better tomorrow. I am going to solve this happiness gap - from where I am to where I want to be.

Drawing tonight, I think. And a hug to myself.

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6:23 p.m. - 2009-08-25

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