enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lessons. Patience. Yes.

So I'll tell you that today was not a great day, but I'm trying to process things.

Sundays are never that great, and probably I'm a bit nervous because my boss returns to the office tomorrow. A whole bunch of stuff not finished must be finished this week.

I also had a poor sleep last night, which a late nap didn't seem to help. It's excruciatingly hot in my apartment.

It's actually excruciatingly hot outside as well, but that's how it is. I walked to the market to buy a baguette and some good cheese and it was an incredibly lethargic sort of a saunter.

Mostly when I was walking I was focused on the profound loneliness that I've been feeling lately. I know that I have nothing to complain about, because I'm making friends and it takes time to do this fully. Also, most of the people I would click with are away at the cottage on weekends like this, or raising little kids. Wandering downtown I was mostly colliding with young people with bad manners who were yakking away on cell phones or cutting me off. I mean, I held the door for a few young women when I was going in and out of shops. One nearly ran me over and none of them - absolutely none - even said thank you. I just don't get it. And why they all have to dress like Par!s H!lton - short shorts, big sunglasses, bleached hair and saggy tank tops - I have no idea. But that's why I'm alone and they're not.

It's difficult to come to terms with feeling like an outsider, whilst not letting one's confidence plummet. I mean, I choose not to have a cell phone or be going to bars or hanging out drinking on patios because these things bore me. Likewise the expensive sunglasses and "sexy" clothes in which I would never feel comfortable.

Still, I feel a bit like a dinosaur.

My own problem I guess. I'm trying to think of this period as a trying period that will strengthen me as I get through it.

I DID do some drawing this afternoon, which was great. I played a bit with my charcoal stick and I did a pretty good copy of one of Degas's bathers again. I like to try to copy other people's drawings because the real mastery of something is only revealed when you look closely at it - how to convey movement, volume, transfer of weight. It's quite lovely.

I also came across two books at the bookstore - fluffy travel books, but very cute - but I spent too much money this weekend on the flowers and plant and so I'll put them on the list. I've definitely learned the distinction between want and need lately. That's great.

I hope you had a lovely weekend.

I'm going to make some ice water, a salad, and then I'm going to lie out with the fan on full blast and try to knit a few inches of the cardi I will be needing again soon enough.

Things will pick up. I just need to find some other activities. I should have joined the cycling club this summer, but now it's too late as there are no more group riding clinics offered. This winter, I'm not permitted to excuse myself from some sort of a group activity. Skiing??

Yes, I'll eventually dig myself out of this. It's like watching the excavation of Troy with a toothbrush, but whatever. :)

5:53 p.m. - 2009-08-16

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell