enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Truly.

Do you know, I ended the day cross?

I think I get my period soon, so maybe that's it.

I've realized that I've become a workaholic of late. I haven't been leaving the office before 8 p.m., and the worst bit is that when I'm there I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE.

It's not that I haven't been doing anything else outside of work, or that I couldn't be doing things at home. It's more that I know I won't have the energy to do much in the evening anyhow, and there's no one waiting for me and so why don't I just stay and get ahead for tomorrow?

A bit insane, really.

Well, at least it keeps me from shopping! ;)

Just kidding.

The only thing I've bought of late is that dress, which I'm going to take back, I think.

Actually, I've been quite organized. I called the charity about picking up those women's clothes. I also have gathered some clothes that I'm going to try to sell on consignment. I'm getting to the point of only having a very few, select garments left. That's the way I like it. A clean slate, and a consciousness not to add any more. I want to keep my life uber-streamlined.

I also found some money that I can claim on a reassessment of my taxes. So that's productive. I'll send the form in tomorrow.

I sound as though I'm bored. Maybe I am a little bit bored.

Nah...I think it's just hormones. Also, a need for excitement of some kind.

Ah well. Will read a bit, pop in a video. The usual.

I meant to mention that I rather enjoy the blog "An Aesthete's Lam3nt." It's quite fun. I mean, any blog that speaks authoritatively about Mary Cassatt's flower arranging habits and Edith Wharton's housekeeping is...fun.

Anyhow. I'm not sure what I was reading last night - maybe one of the quotes from famous women that she sometimes posts, such as Sophia Lor3n's "Instead of changing your nose, learn to make up your eyes." - but I read something quite perfect: "Anything but big boobs and uni-blondes. Confidence instead. Quite European."

I had a conversation with a woman about this at the party on Saturday. She's an older woman - 49 - and is quite attractive. She has salt and pepper hair at the moment and she has decided not to colour her hair. Her sons had been encouraging her to do otherwise.

I've been getting a few greys in my hair lately and as you know I've been hemming and hawing about getting some highlights or something. But each time I make an appointment to get my hair coloured I cancel it. I have a problem with it! I don't know why! I think it's that when I look at older women with coloured hair I don't think that they look better. They just look like older women with brown or blonde hair. And sometimes they look really, really bad, if they colour it too dark. There's something very rocking about letting one's hair go grey. I want to be brave enough to do that. I think it's the best thing.

I don't know. It just seems wrong to put chemicals on one's hair. Why would one do it?

To look younger?

But I don't want to pretend to be anything but my own age.

Also, I HATE it when people say, "I look younger than my age."

What does that mean? There are lots of people who look very young and lots of people who look very old. It's partly genes and partly a function of one's features. People guess that I'm younger because of my small features. Because really, I don't think my skin looks all that young. But I'm chagrined by being called young, when it leads to misperception of my capabilities in particular, or when stupid men treat me like a little girl.

I want to look beautiful, and I mean the kind of beautiful that is something strong and elegant and natural (not beautiful in the model sense).

I think that if women all stopped and said, "Look - it's cool for women to have grey hair" we'd all be better off. Just think of all of the millions of dollars that are spent on the hair industry and of the chemicals that go down the drain.

Anyhow. To each his own, really. But I can't help hoping that I have the nerve to just let things happen as nature wills them. I want to be a grey-haired women who says, "Fuck you, men - older women look distinguished as well. And also lovely." I'm really tired of the norm. In truth, I think what I'm most tired of is the feeling that we're always expected to compete. I'm tired of always having to prove myself. That's it. Exactly.

I know - I'm a pill. I've spend so much of my life obsessing about my appearance and I simply want it to go away. I want to be valued for myself. By myself, too. :) God I'm pissy tonight.

9:43 p.m. - 2009-07-27

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell