enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary
"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
XOS and a bottle of rum
Hello! By the way, thanks, beanie, for your note to my last entry.
It's Anna, who sent me a note today, who made me realize that I'd like to write again.
I'm always so heartily amused by Anna's writings. She's utterly brill! I wish she always recognized it!
So. The rules: no feeling sorry for me. I really do not believe in digging down. I am not here for therapy. I am here to have fun. Life is short. I want to enjoy mine. I've done a LOT of hard work over the years to come to some level of self-understanding. I'm spending my time these days in gentle, relatively contented self-examination!
So work is still evil! I'm working too much. This I realize. I'm trying to kick the habit. It's all about putting it in perspective. I'm too sensitive; I feel the fear all the time at work - living up to expectations, and as C. says, "hitting a home run every time..." But that's just me.
Nevertheless, it is not having an impact on my joy.
I've been having a great deal of fun, really, although I'll confess to wanting things to move along faster.
I went to the Garden Party event, for example, and it was FUN!
I met the journalist at said event, although it was brief and I really can't say anything else about it. I hope that we'll meet again and become further acquainted, but I can't be sure. Well, whatever.
In very positive news, I have completely shed any desire I ever had for Marco. He's proved his stripes lately by sending me truly annoying emails, after I indicated that I didn't want any additional crap from him. It is true what they say: Men want you when you no longer desire them.
(And you'll excuse any missteps in my writing here, tonight, as I've just poured a glass of wine and it is starting to go to my head.)
So...really, the most interesting thing that has happened to me lately is that I have been making "girl" friends. I rather like this, as I've always in life had close girlfriends and I've NOT had this since I moved to Ottawa. My long-time friend Cynthia and I also parted ways a couple of years ago, based on a true difference in values. It wasn't a big deal; I couldn't tolerate her superficiality and airs of condescension.
These days I've not only been having coffees with some genuinely funny women, but I've had brunch with Ava as well. More recently, a woman from my department whom I quite like has taken me to brunch after Saturday yoga (which I've been enjoying, immensely - the yoga, I mean). Tomorrow night, we're going to see Shakespeare in the Park as an opportunity for her to introduce me to an artist friend of hers with whom she thinks I'll hit it off. This is cool. THere is also a woman called Sam - super-cool, from England, Ph.D., interesting...who went on a date with C. but when we were introduced liked me better and has been inviting me to things - ha! (C. was actually an idiot to her, and asked out her better-looking friend. Men are stooopid.)
Also, at the garden party event, I met a woman friend of the woman friend from Florence, who subsequently invited me to her and her partner's Canada Day brunch. I had a lovely time at the brunch and in fact met a writer there who asked me out. Only he didn't ask for my number and so I...haven't heard from him. But whatever. I think he was a bit shy.
I've come to realize that I am, in fact, intimidating to men. My friend Matthew - the cute library school boy - always told me this, only I didn't believe it. Lately though, I am starting to see evidence. I don't quite understand it, but it seems that this is true. Or maybe men are much more frightened and weak than we think??? Ladies???
I always think of men as being two things: dumb and bold.
But maybe not?
Anyhow. This is all to say that life is very interesting. Work is hell. But for now I'm concentrating on the fact that I have a salary. The Dept. of Foreign Affairs interview is still in the pipeline, too, so maybe that will happen!
Oh! And I took my Frenchie oral exam three weeks ago and I passed. I officially got my bilingual status and so I will receive a yearly bonus from here on out. It's not worth much, really, but go me!
The poor examiner though. I talked and talked and talked. I mean, I genuinely had "le trac" during the exam. But also I just love to talk. There's so much interesting to say about every subject, no?
Well...
What else? Not much.
I was telling a friend a funny story about the journalist. If I had to give my truthful, intuitive assessment of the meeting, I would say that he liked me. He said some pretty cool things, and he seemed to be struck by some things that I said. Initially he seemed a bit jaded by things but I responded in truth and he looked at me in a funny way and said, "That's perceptive..." and his voice trailed off. Before we parted I caught him staring at me and when I caught his eye he looked embarrassed. He followed me down the hill but at that point I was arm in arm with a neat woman I had met and we all piled into a car and...he was dropped off first. He was off to Europe a few days later and I have no idea when he came or if he is back.
But anyhow...
I said something truly stupid to him, however, which I was meaning to get to above and didn't.
He asked me, as an ice breaker, I suppose, what had been my favourite "Italian moment."
Remember now, that the "fat lady" was about to sing at this point. Just kidding: there were no fat ladies there; just talented ladies about to sing Puccini arias.
So immediately - under the influence of prosecco and worrying about my Italian, strapless dress which I suffered so much to buy (anyone remember ass-grabbing and telling-off by Italian salesgirls?) - I thought of the first, most romantic moment I had with Marco in spring of 2008. Immediately I caught my breath and said, "I can't tell you that!"
Doh!
So he interpreted it as something R-rated when really it was simply a sweep-me-off-my-feet, earth shattering, romantic, "Amore" moment, courtesy of our favourite Italian cad-meister.
Which now has relatively little resonance, except as a madeleine...of sorts.
But whatever.
I'm a fool.
I held his plate as he almost scraped his jacket in it and he thanked me in embarrassment.
To be honest, I think I scared him.
I'm very, very good at scaring men who should be old enough not to be frightened by women.
Alas. Such is life. I shall not be other than what I am. I am not a successful "pretender."
And I really don't mean to be difficult.
So...a fun life. A crappy work life. But a pay cheque. Things are cool. Oh and I'm feeling quite strong, physically. I'm hating running as my hip has been bothering me, but I've been running up to the arboretum on Sundays. I get up there, run through the trees, and then run up a gigantic hill, my legs burning, just to see the view. I whoop like an Indian (so un-PC, but WELCOME to my childhood). I really don't care much if anyone is watching. I then run up to the locks on the canal in the building of which many men died. And then I eventually make it home.
I have the Times Literary Supplement to read tonight and my favourite books program is on tonight, so I'll sign off. Plus I'm out of ideas. Perhaps I'll be back later.
Let me know what you've been up to!! Please! Giant hugs!
(I've been delinquent about reading diaries. I've only been reading Anna and Fifi (and Fifs has forever and a day been my D-land Rock of Gibralt2r and soul sister) as they amuse me and thrill me with their wisdom (yes, Anna - that's you :)) and I've not wanted to be serious AT ALL lately. I hope you are all well though! XOS (this is my new handle))
|8:47 p.m. - 2009-07-14
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Come al solito - 2011-04-16 unfettered spending - 2011-04-15 How does it go? - 2011-04-14 Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13 bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08 |