enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I will probably close this up again soon.

I'm totally fine.

To be honest, I closed my diary last night because I was pissed off with you guys seeing me as weak or as an invalid.

It's not your fault.

It's just that people always label people who go through depressions, anxiety, or who have past problems - or who are honest about working about them out in public - as weak.

And I hate that.

I am not weak and I am not an invalid.

My mother has always used that as her final word. "You're weak."

And every time I have gone to see a counsellor or a therapist they have said to me the opposite: You are strong. You are a survivor. You've worked through so many things...and there you are...in one of the best jobs in the civil service! Competing internationally! Go you! Keep at it!

So I keep at it. That is why I write this diary. Because I don't want to miss out on anything because of fear or hurt.

So that's all. It hits a sore point when people think of people like me who have honest, admitted weaknesses that they are working on...as somehow LESS than other people who don't have these problems. That I am more susceptible to doing stupid things or to getting sucked in to other people's way of thinking.

No! No I am not! I do seek solace and comfort, of course. I am not afraid to do that.

I wrote about something last night that actually could happen, over a number of months, because I said something stupid. I need to be more careful. And it is true - I need to defend my territory more vigorously. At least until I have more savings and can afford to pursue something I love.

So no offense intended - not your fault - but that's why I don't want any more advice - about my job, my love life, my anything. I will fail, I am sure, at times. But I will always do things on my own terms. I have a will of iron. And I don't believe for one second that I am less than anyone else on this planet because I experience anxiety, have problems yet to completely work through, have fears and hopes uncrushed or unfulfilled. And PS: I hate it just as much to see anyone else think of themself as less for the same reasons. You are not less. You are powerful!

8:51 a.m. - 2009-06-18

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