enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Tout va bien.

First, it would be super-great and no offense intended, if people would stop giving me advice here for a little while (artgnome: I am not referring to the experience that you shared - thanks for that!). This is mostly because people are misinterpreting what I'm saying, reading too much into it. It's difficult to give all of the facts to situations, and for the most part I tend to spill out the dramatic parts here. This is not because I'm trying to make an impression, but because I'm trying to work out things for myself. I'm OK. If I'm not OK, I'll probably disappear rather than write. :) I'm doing well in the grand scheme of things and I am in control of what I do and do not need. I even wrote to Marco yesterday and told him that that's it - no more communication.

But thanks for your concern, nevertheless. I know that most of it is very kindly meant. It's just difficult to understand someone else's context, and really, there's no point! I have a therapist on speed dial if I need assistance. ;-) Well, he's available when I need him. :) Mostly, I'm happy to be learning to navigate my own lows and toughen myself up to deal with the difficulties that every human life presents. Because ultimately, this is the life that I have and I know what to expect of it. I'm never going to be exactly the person I would like to be. The best I can hope for is to accept the person I am and to keep the faith that things always do come around. I've accomplished a great deal in the last five years; I'd prefer to focus on the accomplishments rather than the shortfalls.

III. se relever reflexive verb (+ v �tre)

1. to pick oneself up;
to get up again;

It's difficult to give the correct impression in a diary, isn't it?

I've been feeling low lately, but nothing like I used to feel. And by low I mean more or less the usual let down when one has been hurt and one feels disappointed in one's path.

Mostly, I'm feeling low because my heart got - if not broken - a little bit dented. Again. And it hurt. But this is NORMAL. I believe that we are meant to experience a range of emotions. Some of us have more difficulty than others, but that's the way it is.

And then, after the heartbreaking, I had to come back here to my tedious job (seriously, you have no idea how tedious) and cool weather and C. being persnickety and annoying (I really need some MORE time away from him, as his pessimism brings me down).

But actually, I am pretty pleased with how things are going. I've managed to keep at it at work. Today I was very focused and productive. I even felt some joy today, although not joy with a capital J.

Not too shabby.

Mostly, I realized today that one needs to always keep an eye on feeding the soul.

C., for example, can be a drag. I need to stay away from him when I feel sad. He has absolutely no sympathy, and more importantly he can be incredibly impatient. This evening we went for a run and I was telling him about my French sessions today - for my bilingualism test - and he snapped at me and said he just couldn't listen to it.

He can have such an edge sometimes. He's a workaholic. Today, he's pissy because he has a note that he's working on that he has decided he has to get up early tomorrow to finish. He's about to finish what is basically an internship (it's not exactly that, but he's on temporary rotation during his "training" period) with the agency with which he is working, but he TAKES THE STUPID JOB WAY TOO SERIOUSLY! I keep on telling him to do his best and not take it all on and then take it out on other people, but he doesn't listen. I am actually quite worried about what it is going to be like when he is in his permanent job (starting in July, after he goes away to the Yukon for three weeks). He needs some therapy about keeping work in perspective.

No doubt, he will be calling me later to apologize. He always apologizes for yelling at me. But still, I should never permit him to yell at me. I HATE it when people yell, especially for no reason. I pretty much have never yelled at ANYONE in my life.

When he snaps at me it takes me down, even though I know where it's coming from. The other night, he was snapping at me because he was upset over the girl he likes who is dating someone else. Tonight when running I shut my ears and tried to think of other stuff. It is not worth it to run away from him and then have an argument later.

I'm making him sound like an ogre. HE is not at all an ogre. He's a kind person. But he has a real problem with taking some things way too seriously. In this way we feed each other in a bad way.

So...will be back later. First I need to cook my chicken!

Have some interesting stories to tell about today.

XO

9:36 p.m. - 2009-06-15

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