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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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And we're back to simple acceptance of things just as they are. Such a difficult concept to actually BREATHE and FEEL...but I think I'm doing it.

I just wrote something to Anna that feels true to me.

I was walking home from the run with C. today and I was thinking, "Gee, I don't feel happy."

But then I thought of something I read the other day: "Happiness is over-rated."

It's sort of true.

Sometimes things just are a certain way. Sometimes they're not good. Instead, they're not bad.

At the moment, my life is not bad.

I still have my job. I don't feel good about my performance there in the last couple of weeks and I'm not excited by it, but it's there. C. reminded me today that I was quite sick and just getting over it last week. (Not sure what the excuse was this week, but I did try to drag myself out of it.)

I also have C., of course. And I have potential new friends coming out of the wood work.

Unfortunately, new friends-making takes a long time. But what else am I doing, anyhow?

I didn't particularly enjoy the weekend, but there were pleasant moments.

For example, the concert turned out to be more enjoyable than expected on Friday night. The dance performance last night was not bad. I enjoyed the walk to and fro even more than the dancing, and that's also something.

Today, I woke up late and with a headache. But that's not my fault. I didn't drink a drop of anything last night and I ate healthy food yesterday. So it must be allergies.

Today, also, C. and I went for a run up the canal. It was way too hot and by the end I felt a bit like I had heat stroke. Afterwards though C. and I read the paper for a brief while and he made eggs and toast with good cheese and fresh basil and fruit. I then walked home.

It was on this walk home that I thought, "Fuck it. I'm simply going to stop expecting things to be GREAT, at least today. I'm just going to leave things alone."

I've puttered around today and not gotten much done other than read a few more articles in the paper. I've listened a bit to some arts programs on the radio.

I've figured out what it is that is missing, what needs to be done.

The first step is definitely to continue with this not pursuing happiness thing. A number of people who read the article in the NYT that I linked to last week (by Pico Iyer) liked the line I did: "And then it seems that happiness, like peace or passion, comes most freely when it isn�t pursued."

The second step is to find a goal. I'm always happiest when I have something I care about or at least am interested in that I'm pursuing, whether it's as stupid as a knitting project or, better, something long term and affecting.

I know I always say this but now I'm going to say this with a twist: I need to CHOOSE a goal. It doesn't have to be the perfect one. I just need to choose a goal - preferably something big and juicy - and then stick with it. I think I'm going to keep my goal a secret. It's going to morph into something else, I'm sure, but it's the starting that matters. It's the starting and the believing that matter. I think the goal can be big. Or small.

I'm not talking about the Foreign Service here, although I chatted with someone about that last night and I'm into that. I'm going to do the interview when it is offered.

Mostly, I feel right now that the advice I've been getting lately from you guys has been solid. Artgnome, especially, when she said, "Bloom where you grow" hit the nail on the head. It's desperately difficult to slow down and accept and try to bloom when your circumstances are not what you'd like (for me the job is not inspiring me and I'm quite lonely). But if I can bloom and regularly feel at peace - content - in this moment, I can do it anywhere.

And I can do it. As soon as I said as I walked along the street, "Oh hell, who cares about happiness today, anyhow?!" I smiled. Part of the problem, no doubt, has been that humans always ratchet up their expectations in response to stimuli. I had that great, all-senses-engaged trip...and now I need to reacclimate to a lower level of positive stimulation. I need to get used to my heart beating with less purpose...to help it to beat with more.

I think I'm going to head out to the pub for a half pint of my favourite beer (I wonder what that might be?). After I eat the Egyptian stew that I just made (with leftovers for lunch tomorrow). WIsh you could come with for a laugh. Or a cry. Whichever you prefer.

Oh! For anyone who wants to lose weight, I found this article quite interesting. I can't say from personal experience that it works for weight loss, but the stuff she says about the thinking of thin people exactly matched my personal thinking about food: I like her column, generally. Well, I think I might be getting confused with the article linked at the end of the column, but they both are good. In my own personal struggle, I need to work on my self-defeating thoughts about, well, me...and relationships, of course. We all have our struggles.

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8:03 p.m. - 2009-06-14

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