enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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One of those nights...colour outside of the lines.

Feeling very unsettled! Kind of an odd, unpleasant night.

Actually, a really unpleasant night.

I went with C. to a "salsapalooza" in which the woman he had been crazy about for a year was performing. I like this woman a great deal - she had been a temporary colleague of mine - and so I was glad to go. C. was very edgy though and when he gets like this he gets very aggressive and critical of me and I was starting to get annoyed. It is difficult to enjoy yourself when someone snaps your head off with everything you say.

It was also cold in the auditorium and I wanted to leave after the three hours of performances were done, but C. wanted to chat.

All told it was fun though - nice to see something different. I find I don't actually like Latin dance. Not sure why. I can do without salsa, the cha-cha, the rhumba, etc. I do, however, adore the tango. One random couple there did a quickstep and I do love that.

It was nice.

I'm quite articulate tonight, am I not? ;-) Nice, shmice.

On the way home, C. and I ran into two former colleagues of his (male). One of them was a horrible gossip, name dropper and a bore; the other panicked me about my upcoming French test. I mean, I don't panic easily these days, but these guys were super competitive types. It's difficult not to become edgy when you're with three stress balls. And they were dudes, no less!

Funny to think of myself as more "zen" than a bunch of dudes.

I am pretty pleased about one thing though: I didn't overreact to Marco's email today. It crossed my mind once or twice only tonight. I thought once that I should write back to him and say that I don't think we should write to each other anymore, break contact for a while. I don't know. Maybe I will just let it gradually drift away.

Marco, on the other hand, seems determined to keep the friendship going strong - the email was even longer than usual - but I just can't keep one foot in the door and one foot out the door. He even asked me if I'd yet met that journalist I'm supposed to be set up with. All too close to home. I don't like it. But still, I wasn't sad. I'm closing the door on this. I know that what I need to do right now is focus on my job and my life here. I'm trying to train my mind into thinking as though I will not return to Italy for at least another year. And perhaps I will follow through with that plan. I think it would be best.

Yeah. Life is SUCH a challenge. I'm feeling a poverty of love right now. I'm focusing on providing that to myself; I feel resigned to the lack of other kinds of it being delivered by other beings. I feel pretty solid and OK - kind of resolute about keeping a sense of peace and perspective and to keep on keeping on. Keep calm and carry on, as they say. :)

I think that's it. It's chilly. I caught a bit of a chill outside. I was wearing a summer dress in a light silk cotton (lilac), with an open neck, small, "twist" short sleeves, and a hemline a couple of inches above the knees (since I haven't had time to lower it as I'd planned). Pretty, but not insulating. I had expected to be home by nine. I wore my pearl earrings, too. I looked COMPLETELY out of place at the salsapalooza (everyone was dressed in sexy attire; I was even wearing flats, since we were walking), but I like being myself. I like my sense of style. It fits me. I don't like to be noticed. I like to feel dignified, if that makes sense. Some really nice guy actually asked me to dance during the free dance, though, which was nice. We had a nice chat. I had to admit that I don't dance at all. I suppose I could, but I must say that it is just about the last thing that I have any desire to do. I don't like to be noticed. I don't like to be "sexy" in public. It's not my thing. It's fun to see other people doing something that they love, though. I told the guy that I'm (a runner and) good for straight lines only. :) So true...So true...Straight edges; straight lines; tortuous life path...

Soo...babbling. AGAIN.

I should sleep. It's already one. I think I'm going to run tomorrow and then go to the art gallery. I also want to do a little bit of work to make up for what I consider to be underperformance last week.

Sleep well! Be well!

12:37 a.m. - 2009-06-14

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