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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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And she goes on.

Very tired, but I'll give a quick recap to the day.

Maybe I'll pour a wee glass of red wine first. I haven't had any all week (sort of a personal rule that I won't permit myself alcohol when I'm not feeling great/feeling down - alcohol makes it worse, don't you know...and the brain and its recovery are precious), but I deserve one today.

I really felt shaky this morning. I mean, nervous breakdown shaky. I was feeling so NOT interested in my work, self-pitying. But then I did something about it. I told my co-author on my paper, for starters, that I needed him to help me to guide my priorities for the day. I've been drifting for the last few days because I've been feeling so down. It was a bit like eating humble pie, but I needed to do it and I knew that if I had targets defined I could hit them.

So I did that, got some work done, and felt much better.

I still felt, "Oh woe is me I wish I were living a life, a career that I felt truly connected to..."

And then I had a chat with the girl I always run into at yoga. She doesn't work with me at all but she passes through my office. Clearly, she is not like the others. She has such funky style. And it turns out that she is great and creative. She closed my door and we had a quick chat and I told her about what was going on with me. We had a great conversation, she was very supportive and...it turns out that she doesn't want to be there, either. She seems more upbeat and optimistic about getting out than I am, but she's younger and so that's expected. (Though she's not that much younger (5 years.) I feel like I have a potential new friend.

What else?

Well I took my sorry ass to the National Art Gallery by leaving right on time from work. There was an awesome lecture on a Paolo Veron3se alterpiece that has been restored by the national gallery and reassembled with pieces from overseas (long story) for an exhibition that has just opened. The lecture was fantastic and the restorer took us up to see the piece in the gallery afterwards. It was WONDERFUL.

I did have pangs, of course, of wishing that this had been MY life (and some despair that I will ever get to live that life, as I would be too old once I had completed that study, getting contacts and a position would be difficult, etc.). It's sad when you realize that the choices you have made have ultimately greatly limited your options.

But still, I got to be there.

I get to go back.

I don't know why in the hell I have waited so long but...I bought a year's membership to the gallery. Now I have no excuse to not go to every exhibition there is and to go there every weekend just to wander around. I also get discounts in the bookstore. Such a simple thing, and yet I've delayed.

I felt good.

I walked home along the cliffside rose gardens, watched the sun set over Parliament, and then I - on a whim - popped into a jewellery store to celebrate and bought myself the pearl earrings that I have always wanted. I have never had a single pair of non-costume jewellery before. I bought the silver ring in Rome at Christmas and today I bought a simple pair of pearl earrings. Sort of a "celebrate me" moment. I'm glad I did it.

(Of course I won't eat this month, but that's OK! Who needs food!)

:)

All good. I'm taking it easy, taking it one step at a time, learning to live here. There will be stops and starts but I'll be OK.

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10:19 p.m. - 2009-06-11

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