enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I had the universe over for dinner.

I know I'm writing all of these half entries. No need to read them. In fact, please don't - I'm feeling so sheepish over wasting people's time and energy on my swings.

I woke up an hour ago, hung over. I only had one glass of wine, but it was a big glass and the quality must have been poor.

I'm still a bit sick, as well. Never a good combination.

I remembered something that kind of makes sense here. I think I give people a distorted impression with my emotions, and for that I apologize. In some ways, I've always been a "larger than life" sort of a person. I've always been extreme.

My mother used to always say, "You have extreme emotions."

I went to see a counsellor in university - the best by far that I have ever seen - and his reaction was, "This is a gift. You should understand and reflect back through your life on this that this is a gift."

I sound like a complete nutter who has gone off the deep end here sometimes, but usually there is a high degree of control. I choose to go places, because I want to feel these things. It's like letting out a little bit of rope, because I want to bungee that much further into the canyon.

It's like when I was running. The best example of this is when in 1999 I was training with S. and his friend in the Brindabella range just outside of Canberra, Australia. The friend (male) had recently run 60 minutes and 2 seconds for a HALF MARATHON. At the time that was the second best time in the world for the half marathon EVER posted.

I was running a 20 mile run with these guys through the bush. They were in training mode. I would be able to keep up with them until the uphills, when they would surge and run ahead of me. I was running so hard that I was crying it hurt so much, but something inside of me had to do it. I would not let go.

I used to run 20 miles a day. People would think that I was crazy, but to me it was "easy." I set myself on "do" mode and I did it.

I'm like that. In a way I think I like suffering. I've done that with travel and jobs and "love" before, too. I've thrown it all up and changed, because I thought it was worth it. I walked away from my Ph.D. for the same reason (it was not an economic or a calculated choice). It's the same impulse that had me taking two art courses instead of one in Florence last month, and cycling 70km up a mountain even though I hadn't been on a bike since last October.

So in a way I'm crazy. I think I'm crazy with the desire to sink to the depths or reach to the heights that I'm capable of reaching. It does feel like a gift to me, even if I gripe about it. The pain that I've felt in the last few years has been more because that risk taking in me had been suppressed by anxiety. And thank goodness that the anxiety is gone. I can feel that it's gone. Finally. Now that I'm starting to get into the swing of the risk taking again the emotions are coming back to the surface. I see that as a good thing; others may see it as a liability.

What I know is that I've got to find a way to centre myself each day and remain patient, wait to move to action when the *right* opportunity presents itself. I think that happiness has a great deal to do with being able to identify windows of opportunity.

I talked to C. I apologized for being an emotional dork last night. I feel better. If I am nothing else in life I want to always be a good friend.

10:27 a.m. - 2009-06-06

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