enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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How can I do more?

Thanks for your notes. I mean, thanks so much.

I'm frustrated right now as, as you all know, I have been through this many times before and yet nothing ever changes. I doubt now that I will ever find the passion that I should pursue and the window to pursue it.

I wish I could find a mentor to help me figure out what to do. The psychologist that I was seeing was quite good for relational things - I feel quite good about my relationship with my mom now and I have sorted out my feelings re. my relationships with the others (e.g. my dad). He did not seem to be at all useful with respect to finding things I love. He seemed to be talking like my mom: work at what you do so that you can afford to do the things that you love.

I think that what you've said is right: slow right down.

This weekend I can't do the furniture thing as C. isn't yet ready. I'm going to push for next weekend. So this weekend I will do as artgnome suggested: walk around, go to the National Art Gallery, have a drink in a cafe. I'll pretend that I'm in Florence!

Also, I AM going to start drawing. I'm going to look into signing up for one of the life drawing classes that start in July. I'll do these all year so that I will be prepared for next year's adventure. I suppose that that's a positive way to look at things.

I also have decided that I will go to NYC from July 29 to August 4. I won't be taking another vacation this fall so the days are not much. The flight is also not expensive and I can stay with my friend A. - or at least in his apartment, as he might be away - for free. I can wander galleries and do some shopping. If anyone wants to meet me feel free! I will be meeting up with my friend Deb and her mom at least for dinner. Should be great.

Actually, A. is an interesting story. :) As you might recall, we flirted with dating a few times.

But the thing with A. is that he always has one girlfriend after another! He is a great guy and he has lovely girlfriends, but it always makes me laugh at how easy it is for him to get a new one and yet for these relationships never to work out. He's now 40 this year! His new girlfriend, he informs me, is "kind of Italian" in that she is Croatian. He says that apparently she has a "mediterranean temper" and it took some getting used to, but things seem to be going well.

So I immediately asked C., "How come A. has a mediterranean girlfriend? How can I get a mediterranean girlfriend?"

Just joking, really. It just seems so easy for other people to find someone and to have fun. For me it is difficult. I suspect, and I hate raising this point, that it's because people detect that I can be not that cheerful. Marco, this time, for example, was surprised. "This is not you! You seem depressed. You are not like that!"

You see, when I'm happy I'm happy. I mean, when I'm even OK, I'm happy and bubbly. But always there is sadness lurking under the surface. I have been disappointed too many times by life. And I take things too seriously. I can get hurt easily. I definitely am getting better at moderating this, but I completely do not approve of hiding one's emotions all of the time.

I ought to go to work. This should be aided by the fact that I am wearing a cute outfit! (Puffy skirt with purple and pink peonies on it! Pale pink button down! Vintage shoes!)

I am vain, I know. But really what it is is that I love to be surrounded by beauty. It's why I feel so sad here most of the time: little beauty. I will go for a ride on my bike in the forest this weekend, so that will be OK. Or not. Actually, I am still too sick. Maybe I will muster a run. Need to train for London, after all. :) (Just kidding - I'll start training in December. :) No need to overdo it!)

Be well and thanks for your friendship! Have a great day!

9:04 a.m. - 2009-06-05

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