enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Yes, I know. I just got back from a wonderful trip to Italy...and I'm pulling out the violins. Maybe the world's smallest?

Well, I am depressed.

Probably I am using that word too lightly.

I am grateful that I am still productive at work, not at all anxious. I'm coping.

But fundamentally I feel sad.

I suppose it would be abnormal if I weren't sad after the Marco episode. The things that he said to me keep on running through my head. So many things.

I'm sad mostly because we had such a great time together, again.

And it's the end.

I never find someone here with whom it is so easy and natural to be myself. And he says the same thing to me.

And yet, it's the end.

I know I must forget about it.

But I walk with my hands in my pockets and my eyes looking down. I just don't care about the people here. I don't want to bother looking at them. There is no one here who interests me. I will only be insulted and mistreated if I dare to think that any man here would appreciate me.

I depressed myself further, to be honest, by looking up a one year transition degree program in art history at the Courtald Institute. I figured out that doing this would cost $55,000 (for one year). So doing something like that to figure out about or transition to a Ph.D. in art history...isn't going to happen.

That would be insane.

I'd be better off buying a motor boat. :( Then, in Canada, many men would date me. I probably wouldn't even need to put on a bikini to encourage interest.

I suppose though that if one were to get into a Ph.D. in Art History one would likely get a scholarship for further study.

Lots of competition, on the other hand. And what guarantees would I have of a job at the end of it.

If I did a Ph.D. in such a thing it would have to be in Europe. I mean, ultimately I want to live in Europe. That's the goal.

I guess I should go back to the economist option.

I won't go on and on about this, I promise. You don't want to hear the same things over and over again. I will not talk about jobs or degrees anymore.

I think what made me feel sad today and made me hang my head is that I felt today that my choice set has shrunk to stranglingly small. I feel for some reason, intuitively, that my last good window has closed. Now, I must settle into being a spinster economist in a city without art. I feel as though I'm ready to give up.
I don't have the bravado for optimism anymore.

If I had any absinthe I would feel like the absinthe drinker. Do you know that painting? I mean, it even looks like me a little. Only I don't wear so much lace. ;-)

absinthe

Anyhow. Not much more to say. I think I'm just going to cut myself some slack and be sad for a while. I don't want to put in any extra effort. I just want to work and work and work and get a great deal done. The only time I really hate myself is when I am not only moping but don't get anything done. That's a fate worse than death for me. If I can work I can keep a little bit of pride. That will have to do. And of course exercise. I always have my bike or my legs to run. Thank God. Really, thank God.

9:51 p.m. - 2009-06-04

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