enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Chasing a rainbow. And it's not Italian.

As you might have figured out, I'm insane!

I always want more than is reasonable for any human being to want. I need to scale back my expectations.

Someone very kind and loving (a shout out to you, artgnome), has offered me a great example from her experience.

I've realized that first I need to drop all expectations of myself and adopt an attitude of patience. If I relax, trust that things will work out as they are meant to, I can do this. It will take time and it will require a great deal of belief, but I can do this.

I think I'll stop talking there! I think I need to find a better counsellor. I've already gone to career counselling at work and she suggested the Ph.D. in History. That's one avenue, of course. But I feel still as though I need to wait and to try some other things out first. I ought to seek some career counselling out somewhere else.

This is all good.

Also, it is true that I need to make over my environment here! I'm so eager to do it and yet I need to wait until next weekend when C. will rent the van with me! It will be difficult to wait.

Today I was honest with people at work. I told a few friends - in a light way - that I'm feeling down upon my return from Italy. I told the girl who introduced me to the girl who has the apartment in Florence. She was really supportive and in fact invited me over for a BBQ tonight. I've already made plans and was too tired, anyhow, but I know I'm starting to make friends. I'm meeting another girl at yoga tomorrow, if I'm not still feeling ill (I'm not feeling well, even today, and am still coughing).

So...thanks a bunch, all. I actually feel lighter than usual today. I feel I can master this. There has been evidence that I've been getting better in recent months - more bouncy. I even - don't ask me why I think this - think that I am about to meet someone. I KNOW. I know that that is weird. But I feel for some reason that this is the year for me to get a non-Italian (imaginary) boyfriend. I might just start dating in Ottawa. That would be a miracle, wouldn't it?

First priority though is...to get my head straight about career and life path. The way to that is to start doing things that I love. I thought today that I might try to take an art history course at the university (at night school). There is a university literally steps from my house and so it seems stupid not to try this option out. I'm also DEFINITELY going to sign up for a drawing class starting in July, at a local art school. These things will make a big difference.

I also talked with another friend at work who has found her niche. She's found a niche in government that interests her. More importantly, after coming back from a trip to Cuba about a year ago, she told me she felt exactly as I do right now. She made it her mission to find a place for herself outside of work. For her, the passion was Latin America. She had lived there for years and was passionate about the music and dance. These days she is competing in salsa dancing outside of work. She also met her current boyfriend through that.

So it is possible. I might change careers; I might not. The point is that it is all up to me to pursue art-related things that make me feel better. It is up to me to make more friends and to go out with them. It is up to me to stop moaning and whining and MOST OF ALL to STOP BELITTLING MYSELF!

So yes - Anna and artgnome have both aptly suggested affirmations. I am TERRIBLE at this. I try it and then the rest of the time I forget and tell myself that I am stupid, ugly and worthless. That's a GREAT strategy, EB! Just GREEEEEEEEEEAT.

OK. Please let this be the last of this.

The next few weeks are going to be filled with work. I have a ton of work to do related to my biggest project AND I have my bilingualism test. I had my first French class back this afternoon and it went slightly better than I had expected. I don't think I'm going to pass my oral in three weeks, but you never know. I need to study, unfortunately. :( Boo hoo! What a spoiled brat I am!

That wasn't an affirmation. I suppose I should affirm that I do try my best to be thoughtful and a good person. I often fail, but my intentions are usually good. I want other people to be happy, even more than I want that for myself. That is a positive attribute!

I picked some lily of the valley from the garden out front. Roland would have done that for me were he still alive. I put them in the vase that he gave me. I miss that pervy old bastard!

6:46 p.m. - 2009-06-05

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