Photobucket

enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And a game called Tegla I think?

You know what...I might as well leave the least well-hidden cat out of the bag once and for all:

I'm a hopeless romantic.

Of course I want to find someone great who really understands me and with whom I can have fabulous conversations and travel and so on! It doesn't seem fair that I have not.

But speaking of good conversation and stuff, I went over to C's for some soup tonight. He surprised me with a birthday candle and my birthday present!

I already knew what it was - C. gives the most boring presents, in that he always asks me to pick a book about a month in advance :) - but still it was exciting. I also got marzipan in weird shapes that C. had picked up in Germany for me. I do like marzipan. Very much. In fact, I might have one right now, seeing as I need cheering up re. going back to work. I think a ladybug is good luck, no?

I'm quite sad and pathetic at the moment, but I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm sure that in a year or so or at some other point down the road I am going to be laughing that I hoped for so much with Marco. It's incredibly stupid. He has wonderful qualities but he also has some terrible ones. And he lives across the Atlantic.

No, life is meant to take me in a different direction. Even in my state of foolish melodrama I can recognize this.

The more important problem is my career.

But, as usual, I know that I can't move too fast. I need to allow this thing to happen slowly. What I CAN do, and this is a metaphor for the broader change, is to work on making my apartment a beautiful space. I think that artgnome was completely on the money the other day when she wrote that environment is very, very important. I've neglected mine for too long, waiting for Italy to make up for it.

So here's the thing...C. and I were talking. I really ought to save money and focus on here for now. We agreed that it is likely a good idea for me to NOT go back to Europe this year. It will be difficult to discipline myself to not take another trip. In fact, we talked about me not going back until I can more properly afford (in time and money) that intensive drawing class in September of 2010.

Boo hoo!

I know in my heart that it is the "best" idea, however. C. is thinking in terms of clearing my mind completely of M., but clearing my mind of the dependence on frescoes and beautiful clothes and nice nude dude art gigolo dancing blokes that is starting to develop is likely a good idea. :) I'm always living for the future, when I can be away. I need to stand clear eyed and face what it is that I loathe here. Because ultimately it's about what I loathe in myself. Wherever you go there you are. You can't run from these things.

For example, do you know that I spent part of this evening obsessing over whether the problem with me right now is that my hair is too long and so I look ugly?

Really, I have these horrible default settings - I am so ashamed to admit them - and I go back to them and listen to them over and over again like a broken record. Terrible.

OK. THANK YOU and a big ECKS OH (copying Fifs here) for your patience with me. I am a dreadful bore so much of the time. I am trying so hard to change though, you must believe me. I am trying so hard to change. When you've got a boatload of "issues" it takes a few thousand miles of paddling to throw them all overboard.

Now...to pump myself up to go back to work. I have so much to do in the next month...groan. And first, I have to write a conference report. Am I allowed to mention the sleazy guy who was ogling me, I wonder? Am I permitted to mention that economists are for the most part a bunch of "tools" who can't be bothered to undertake ANY good public speaking practises (making legible slides, speaking into the microphone, timing the presentation, ahem making sense...)? Seriously, it is difficult to believe that anyone gave many of the people I saw speak last weekend ANY degree, let alone a Ph.D. And more amazingly, I saw terrible research, too! I mean, research using data that should never have been considered for the project at hand! I was quite amazed. I suck lemons as an economist, but even I could do better. OK. Rant over.

|

11:27 p.m. - 2009-06-02

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

Come al solito - 2011-04-16
unfettered spending - 2011-04-15
How does it go? - 2011-04-14
Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13
bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08