enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Climbing a distance

Ohhh...I am sick.

I feel guilty for not being at work.

Hopefully I will make it there tomorrow. I meet the doctor today.

I feel as though the cough is getting better, but I still have a low-grade fever and feel weak. I have coughed so much that each time I cough it literally feels as though my throat/bronchial tubes are bleeding. I mostly slept through the night though; I only awoke twice in coughing fits.

To top it off the weather is terrible and cold and I haven't been to the grocery store!

I'm having other thoughts, too, that are not good.

First, I am blaming myself a bit for not being better at manipulating (shall we say "guiding") men. I am too truthful.

I am also feeling badly for allowing the Marco thing to take away from some moments of my trip. I am looking at the pictures in my folder and I am simply ACHING to be back there to experience some of those places again.

One of them is my favourite place in Florence (or one of my very favourites): the convent of San Marco. Don't listen to the dialogue. :)

This was taken in one of the side galleries on the main floor of San Marco:

I started thinking again last night about making my apartment presentable. Right now, I wouldn't have anyone over to it. I don't have proper seating. I don't have a proper table. I don't have proper book cases and so there are books all over. I also don't have a wardrobe and the closets are too small and are crushing my clothes. (It's an old house and the closets were added later.)

I started to feel quite overwhelmed when I thought about fixing up my apartment. Being neat and organized is not something that I do well naturally. Things always take on a lived-in chaos with me. I wish I were a neat person with a clean-lined apartment.

My apartment has many deficiencies, as I have noted before. What it has, on the positive end, is that 1) it is perfectly quiet; 2) it has the best possible location in the city - right downtown, in a garden area that does not have through access, steps from the canal and all arts amenities; and 3) it is cheap for the size.

The deficiencies are that it is 1) old; 2) has carpet (which I hate, but if there were hardwood the guy below would hear everything and we would start all over again with the noisiness of the triplex that C. and I lived in in Montreal); and 3) has small closets, inadequate cupboard space, weird bathrooms, no screens on the windows (and it is difficult to put screens on these ones).

I'm really torn as to what to do.

I think on balance the best thing is going to be to buy some cupboards and small furniture that will fit the space (the walls are low as the ceilings are sloped, so it's tricky to place a large wardrobe in the space, for example). Even though it is a good time to buy right now, I'm not in a position to buy as a result of the travel. Next year or more likely the year after would be better.

But do I really want to buy? Not really. Buying and looking after a house by myself just sounds depressing. And the idea of commuting to work I find even more depressing!

So I need to figure out how to start cleaning up this place, streamlining it, without feeling overwhelmed. I should set it up so that eventually I will be able to have people over. Not wanting to have anyone over to my place is no doubt constraining any potential love life. :(

I also want to figure out where I am going to be able to set up my easel. The light is best in the living room, so I suppose it is a no brainer.

OK. I'm rambling. I'm being negative. I think I'll take a hot shower.

Just excuse me - I'm being needlessly self-pitying.

9:18 a.m. - 2009-06-02

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