enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Quick inventory.

Back in Ottawa.

A little bit depressed, I'll admit.

I rolled in and as the bus moved into town from the airport I could see only grass...and more grass...and more grass...and then a few high rise buildings rising up from behind some grassy knolls.

The temperature also plummeted 20 degrees from Italy on Sunday (34). We are apparently going to have frost tonight or the next night or something.

What a horror it is for me to come back to North America. It's as though all of the beauty and interest has been sucked away from life right before my eyes. The warmth is gone and everything is green (alas, even though this is my second favourite colour after yellow, I think that emptiness is not my thing). I know, however, that if I lived in Europe the people everywhere would start to drive me nuts. In Italy you can't turn a corner without someone looking into your car or leaving his or her house. It's different.

So I'm trying to focus on the positive here:

1) I have a secure job. Not enough vacation time but at least the money to be able to travel when I do.

2) My C. friend. So steady. When I felt miserable over Marco this week I thought about my good, steady friend who will always welcome me with open arms.

3) People are kind and honest in Canada, as a general rule. Deadly boring, as another rule, but I appreciate very much that they say something and mean it and then follow through. People often go above and beyond what they are being paid, to do a thorough job.

4) My books. My apartment is a dump - and does it ever look so right now - but I will fix it up slowly this year and I will focus the apartment around the books, a few special objects, and some plants. All of the detritus otherwise will go.

5) I can't think of another one. Maybe that I can bike far and in beautiful country. I mean, I would way rather ride in Italy (on Sunday M. took me and another guy out from central Firenze on this amazing 70km hilly ride up to a monastery (Monte Senario) in the hills and back. After climbing to Fiesole, M. stopped us and pointed to the highest point in the hills to the distance to tell us that that is where we were going.) I was so proud of myself for being able to do that ride when I haven't been on a bike since last year! And we picked up a couple of male riders from England along the way. It was just me cycling the hills with dudes! I didn't even think about it or worry about it. I just did it. My body and mind sometimes amaze and humble me with the gift of what they do. The ride was so beautiful, with all of the farms and little villages, etc. Oh! And afterwards I bought myself a bike shirt for the Giro d'Italia!!

6) Oh - air quality. Air quality is crap in Florence. I could breathe for the first time when I was walking across the canal on my way to my house today.

So. This trip was a horribly grueling one for me. I wish I could explain, but it is too personal. For now I need to be quiet about it. Probably forever.

But. I did have a wonderful experience in many ways. I mentioned that I spent too much money, but on the other hand I spent the money to treat myself well, which I rarely do without enormous struggle and sorrow, and I tried this time to not feel guilty about it. I stayed for three nights in a nice hotel. I bought exactly one dress and one scarf. They were expensive but at least are of very high quality; "investment pieces" to remember my trip to Italy by. I also took two art courses, both of which were worth every penny.

I think what I am meant to get out of this trip, if anything, is that I need to be kinder to myself. I need to keep on trying to love myself better. I am not so bad. I think I have made some progress, but I still have work to do. In the end I am a good person. I am honest and I try to always treat people fairly. And I *can* be fun to be around. :)

I also got something else out of the trip that is quite significant. I can't even quite articulate it, and it might go two ways. I found myself being 1) willing to settle down with someone, whatever that might mean (hopefully a nomadic person, but whatever) and willing to go out looking for that person, or at least be available for that person to come knocking; and 2) fearless about applying for and considering a move to the foreign service. The two conflict, possibly, I realize, but what I'm saying is that I'm going to open myself completely to new possibilities. I'm going to let in fresh air. I'll start with my apartment, of course, but this will grow.

Related to this, my drawing class was by far my favourite part of the trip. I'm going to sign up for one here if I can afford to do it! My lovely friend Deb was also in the class and we had a scream together. I can't wait to catch up with her in New York in July. I am putting myself on a very, very strict budget for now, but I will set aside money for a trip to New York. The pinching is going to hurt, but it will be worth it. Some things in life are worth it; exploration is one of those things. And ultimately - I'm going ot write this on my wall - money is only money. Paper. It's not worth that much. Not like life and the friendships and heartbreaks that come your way if you go out and see the world. I have toughened up a bit from these trips to Italy in the last year; I also feel more free to go out and grab what I want. Maybe I'm a tiny bit more courageous.

So...no regrets, really. Sadness, definitely. Memories of beauty. Enlarged confidence. A greater understanding of and closeness to Florence.

It will be OK. All of the good things in life hurt at some point or other.

I just got back from C's. Poor bloke. He hadn't called me or come over so when I awoke at midnight after stupidly lying down for a "nap" at 8 p.m., I worried again that something had happened to him and I opened the door of his apartment and nearly gave him a heart attack as he was sleeping. He had confused himself into thinking that I was returning tomorrow. Oops!

1:07 a.m. - 2009-05-26

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