enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Thanks a bunch. Tired and grumpy.

Thanks, guys. Those were good ideas.

I think I'm most on the side of what artgnome said. I think I've made it too easy for him.

Second, I don't actually think that I am in love with him. I'm in love with the idea of him, since no one else has come along in a long time. I really don't want to be in a relationship with him, which is very selfish of me. I don't want to compromise in the ways that I would need to compromise in order to be with him. Selfishly though, I think I wanted the goods when here - to be made to feel attractive, romanced, etc. Because I do like him. I enjoy being with him.

SO anyhow. I had kind of a not great day. Went out for lunch with this Norwegian girl. She is kind of nice but quite irritating - very forceful and not very sensible. We ended up getting absolutely fleeced for lunch at this place she recommended. And then we wandered around for a few hours looking for a gift for her host. I kept on trying to break free but she wanted me to help her.

So...in the interim, somehow I missed Marco's call. So he called. When he said he would. So whatever. I suppose that makes me feel good. It's all very stupid though and really, just ignore my going on about him. I know myself and I know that I am in love with the fantasy of him and not with him. It's stupid. It's what I do, because I don't want to face what real intimacy with someone available would be like. And besides, I know well enough that a boyfriend is not the answer in life. I have many things that are more important to me.

Still, I act like a moron, probably because of hormones and a simple desire for touch and the usual things. I should just go out and date a bunch and that will all disappear.

ANyhow. Thanks for your comments. Duly appreciated!! I am off to clean up and meet Joan for the concert! Be well! I will call Marco tomorrow.

Ciao!!!

6:03 p.m. - 2009-05-16

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