enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Chock-a-block full day. Realized that I've changed quite a bit. Am rather surprised by it. Also, Marco is too old for me. :)

Guys!

You're not going to believe it but...what a silly entry I wrote this morning.

I walked about Florence today and I feel like such a different person than I did last year.

I feel so confident and cool about everything.

I realized that the M. thing is just a distraction.

I want much more than he can offer. He showed his true colours, anyhow, when he did not call me at Christmas. I think I've been crippled in this situation by a sense of self that I used to have. That is slowly dissipating. I am better than this. I fell for M. because he was teh first man to show me attention in a long time. And now that I'm feeling more confident I have men asking me out all of the time. Three in the last week...It's starting to shift...

So...I did something crazy: I got to the institute, did my orientation for the drawing (which begins tomorrow night) and then...signed up for and started the ART HISTORY course as well. It is divine!

And as a result, I won't have much time to see M., anyhow.

And I spent the rest of the day with Joan! We talked. We laughed. We drank.

The only sad bit in the day is that Florence is completely dead. I have never seen it so quiet. Even for May there are probably half the number of tourists that there were here last spring. One SHOULD, I am sure, feel happy about this - I loathe crowds, as a rule, and you know how I feel about stupid tourists :) - but I feel genuinely sad. There has to be a whole lot of hardship going on around here under the surface.

I must say that it does make me wonder about how M. can be "super busy and feeling great." It must be that his clients are "niche" clients and that I was right about the rich Californians continuing to buy his services. Oh well - I am sure that he will tell me.

So all is well and peaceful. I'm actually less sleepy than I expected to be and I'm also happy about that.

I guess what I would conclude about today is that I'll still have rocky moments, I am sure, when I see and am in close contact with M., but I'm moving to a slightly different place. I'm going to be completely up front with him when I see him about what my feelings were/have been. And then I'm going to walk away. Walking back to the hostel just now I realized that I was feeling quietly confident all day today - not in the least bit intimidated by the beautiful women. I feel, I think, that the pride in my accomplishments of the last year and the independence that those have brought are the true prize. I realize that I need men less than I ever have before.

Don't take that the wrong way - it's not that I would throw a great one away - it's that I realize that I've idealized in a way what it would be like to have one in my life. I'm probably not with anyone for some very good reasons. Relationships are not all peaches and cream. I've been learning to define myself and set my own standards for things - and find so much joy in the experiences that I am lucky enough to afford to have - and today I feel peace over that.

Plain and simple!

So I'd best get on up to bed. I wish I had some funny stories to tell, but today was a bit of a whirlwind. Oh Italia - I love it. I will have so many more beautiful experiences before this trip is done, too, I am sure. It's great to be 38. (The weeping will begin in two days when I am not, but whatever. :))

Hope you are all well. I will tip a drink to you tomorrow! (I must say though that the PRICES at restaurants are high at the moment. I'm finding that the Italians are taking advantage of any tourist that sits down, and more than before. I was a bit annoyed today with the prices and the hard sell. Interesting reaction to the economic situation)

Soo...really not funny at the moment. Too tired! Hopefully will have something fun to say tomorrow. I always grow so much through these trips. I realize how blessed I am and to LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT! And when I'm away I put things into perspective. I mean, big things. And little things. At home, I am still ruled by my mother's voice that tells me to not spend money. But when I am here, I remember that this week I am getting another surprise bump up in my salary (should be in Wednesday's pay). I mean, why am I NOT enjoying every little bit of this. I have earned it. Life is like that. I have no dependants; I am living up to my responsibilities in every way. I am living honourably! You know the drill. Fly, be free! No more guilt!!

:)

9:06 p.m. - 2009-05-11

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