enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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ACK - late

ACK! I am running so late this morning. This shall be brief. I left comments to your comments in my last entry.

I woke up this morning with complete and utter clarity.

I mean, I'm not stupid. I know exactly what is "wrong" with me.

I live in a false system. I can keep myself feeling great for a while - by succeeding at my job, being able to afford my life, living up to my responsibilities, etc.

It's all great.

But the problem is that everyone wants to be useful, connected, and loved.

I feel loved, sort of. I do love C. to death. I also love my family, although what I get in return in is not that much. So that's a part of it.

I am useful at my job, and to a lesser degree I am connected to society through that. I also get a bit of connection through volunteer work. Most of my closest friends, however, I never see - they live elsewhere.

So what it is is that I can't sustain a perpetual confidence/faith in things without much of a foundation under me.

I'm not yet able to have a successful romantic love relationship because I still don't 1) love myself quite enough; and 2) feel sufficiently deserving of love, which is basically the same thing. I am also still protecting myself from the losses that I felt as a kid.

The other thing, of course, and that's the one I gripe about, is the fact that the market gets a little bit thin when you're a woman and my age. There you go. My circumstances are also a bit unusual in terms of my past relationship experience, education, travel, work, etc., so that makes the pool from which I'd be drawing fairly small. And I want someone really GREAT, who matches me intellectually and emotionally, and not just someone OK for me.

So what happens is that I coast along feeling OK, as long as I'm sustaining the concentration on gratitude for what I have, even though it is not EVERYTHING. That IS the secret to day-to-day contentment. I must do it. And when I can do it I really am perfectly great.

But what happens when I start to think about what I don't have - true, deep connection and intimacy in a relationship in which I feel valued as an entirety of a woman - is that I turn and look at everything else and that everything else looks hollow.

I'd be helped along were my job more of a "passion" for me. It's not terrible work at all. It has some element of creativity to it. It allows me to push and stretch my mental boundaries. I am also doing something good for people. But it is not something that deeply touches my soul. I think I might be one of those people who needs that. Like most, I could probably survive without that were I feelng more loved and more purposeful in the world. But I am not. So therein lies the conundrum.

Gotta run...but the idea here is that when I say I am happy it is actually true. I'm pretty contented with most things right now. Mostly, I am contented with what I have achieved. I have slowly been building the strengths that one needs to be loved and trusting, self-loving, etc. Sometimes I simply don't have th energy to sustain the contentment with being a work in progress! On a deep level, I still have work to do.

Anyhow. If there were no more work to do what would I have to look forward to?

The Marco thing is a red herring, I know. I mean, he does have some great qualities, but he was the perfect choice for me: he's completely unavailable and I KNEW that the whole thing would never work. That therefore lives up to my entrenched expectations about what will always happen in relationships.

OK. Really gotta run to my job...

9:18 a.m. - 2009-05-06

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