enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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You might think I am good enough.

Hey dudes and dudettes,

Thanks for all of your kind messages!

I've realized that I'm suffering from a small amount of burnout, that is probably mostly, if not wholly, emotional.

This whole last year - in spite of the trips to Italia - has been about accomplishing things at work, driving forward.

I've been successful there, and I had to do it, but now it's time to loosen up and engage a bit on other things.

Having this emotional lapse - I've closed the door at work today and cried for a bit and now am ready to stay and work late - has probably been a good thing to do before I go to Italy.

I can't help that I have feelings for M. It's how I am. I don't mess around about these things. I cherish few people, but the ones I cherish I feel deeply for. That's my nature.

So it's good that I've realized NOW that I can't set myself up for disappointment this time. I'm sure he'll be great and happy to see me and we'll have a great time, but since I know that that's all it is I can't be hoping for something more. In fact, it's completely misplaced energy. I'm tired and I have nothing else in particular to focus on outside of work, so there you go.

Right now I'm trying to refocus myself - not on work or on relationships or on anything, but on simply appreciating and enjoying the fruits of all of my hard work of this last year. Enjoy your accomplishments as well as your plans, as the D3siderata would say. Because after all, these days I genuinely feel successful, attractive, worthy, fit and healthy, able to seize a wide range of opportunities from a massive buffet of them, and even loved (by my friends, and also even a little bit by my mother). It's not everything...yet. But why focus on what is missing? I'm going to focus on the whole lot that I have, because it is a hell of a heap.

Back to work am I!

4:14 p.m. - 2009-05-05

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