enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Making lemonade.

Hi dudes!

Sorry - I haven't had time to read or comment.

I wonder if I might be a bit sick, or if it is just allergies.

I felt so sluggish yesterday, and then I ran with C. and afterwards had a terrible stomach ache. He made me dinner and I ate it, but I felt not great afterwards. I got home and nearly fell asleep on my feet, so I wrote something quickly here and then landed myself in bed for nine hours of sleep. That is a rare occurrence for me. And I am STILL tired!

I think what I'm upset about is the fact that I've allowed myself to stay keen on M. even though he's been playing such a game. One day he's writing me lovey-dovey messages and the next day we're "friends." I understand his ambivalence about having a relationship, but that's a childish way to behave. His behaviour is, however, not my problem. I can only control my own behaviour. I know what I should do as a mature person who values herself and her time. I am not doing that.

Anyhow. I am going to try. I am going to try to learn.

Fifi has said something interesting about dating for fun. I think that she is probably completely on the mark for this, but I've never had the personality for that. I'm way too serious! I have to like being around someone and be able to have deep conversations with them for them to enter into my life. Not good for dating purposes! It's not that I expect those relationships to go anywhere - not as though I'm hanging on every breath with expectation - but it's difficult enough to find the compatible dudes in the first place that I'm likely to end up at lest friends with them. I'm not good at "fun," I suppose, in spite of some indications to the contrary.

Oh well. Enough babbling. I'm not happy with my performance at work at the moment. I've been working perfectly hard but it is difficult to get research done. It is difficult to focus one's efforts, I find. What happens to me is that I investigate something and then I decide that something else should be considered and I go off on a tangent. That works under some circumstances and not at all under others, e.g. the lovernment work context.

Let's hope that today is better.

I mentioned the young dudes yesterday because in my new French class there are two young dudes. They were like puppies yesterday and both invited me for coffee. I mean, they still have roommates, are working their first jobs! They were very sweet but I cannot date dudes like this. I like the world weary ones much better. The Frenchie class was great, however - much better. The dudes were very strong -one had been in French immersion throughout his childhood and now is working on his grammar - so I am lucky to be in that class. I like it: I like to be challenged to rise up to a higher level. (WIsh I could do this with respect to relationships...)

:)

OK. Gotta finish the cereal and run to work. Let's hope that today is a better day.

9:01 a.m. - 2009-05-05

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