enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Is it about being someone different?

Hey dudes!

Not having a great day, so I probably won't write much.

I got upset this morning over M. There was really no good reason for it - I received a simple email from him saying that he'd contact me when he gets back from Switzerland (May 15) - but still, I went into a bit of a tailspin.

I don't know what it is. I tried to dissect it all day, but I think it's that I'm realizing that of course I still have residual feelings for the guy, and why am I pining over some guy who has been up and down in his correspondence and with whom I can't have a relationship, anyhow?

I think I'm angry for myself for waiting for scraps from someone who really disappointed me in December.

I thought I was doing well on this one - I hadn't emailed him at all in the last month, and in fact hadn't been thinking of him much - and then he sent me that post card.

I mean, it is ONLY A POST CARD!

Why am I getting all excited about something like this? Why don't I have a life here? Why can't I date like a normal person?

Do you know what bothers me the most? It's the fact that no one has asked me out here in such a long time. I know it is partly because I don't get out much and otherwise I work all of the time, but I can't help feeling as though no matter what men are going to disappoint.

I look around me and all of the girls have bleached blonde hair and spray tans and wear the same tight outfits. I do not want to be like everyone else. I want to be myself. I want someone to be attracted to me for me. It just doesn't seem to happen here though.

So I go back to Italy - where I am sure that I am going to have a GREAT time, once I'm in my class and with Joan, and also meeting up with that colleague with the apartment - and I'm probably going to get caught up with M. if he is still single and starts paying me attention.

Because, really, no one here has made me feel the way that he has, in spite of his flaws.

How do you take that and enjoy that without setting yourself up to waste time pining for something that can't be?

That's always the dilemma, isn't it?

I really feel as though there ought to be someone available and appropriate out there who would like to be with me. I just don't understand why it is so difficult to find that.

I know there is no answer to that. I listened last night to an interesting podcast on moral clarity. I mean, there is no answer to the question, "Why me?"

No one is answering.

I feel absolutely ridiculous for going on about this. I think that that's what the negative feelings today were about - feeling like an idiot for being a stupid human and for wanting even more than I have!

Something else nice happened to me today, for Pete's sake: I got bumped up to a much more advanced French class, to prepare me for my test in June. And I loved the class! It was fun! Barring any terrible occurrences I should pass my oral test in JUne and then I'll get a bilingual bonus at work! I mean, I am the luckiest girl around! Everything nice happens to me! And then I can't appreciate it because I am pining over a stupid, imaginary Italian boyfriend.

When most of the time I probably would hate having a boyfriend, anyhow. My situation, or rather my FEELINGS about my situation, are my own damn fault. I have control over them.

I hope that no one read this. I'm sure I'll feel calm again tomorrow. That M. though - he really messes with my head. Or at least the IDEA of him does. Oh what am I saying? I mess with my own head.

7:43 p.m. - 2009-05-04

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