enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Wow - all these tv memories.

Thanks for your notes, lovely people!

So far I have turned the keyboard upside down and shaken and banged it a whole lot. That helped a bit. The trouble is that I do NOT have a very powerful vacuum cleaner. As a result, I might have to buy a new keyboard, as MFV suggested. I will think about it. My home computing equipment is rather shabby. I don't spend any money on it as I...spend all day at work on a computer.

Ah! Well, I must say that I am wishing that I could meet someone and be like Fifi or MFV. I realize, however, that one cannot rush things! I do hope that I still have SOME chance of meeting someone though. It would be a shame not to.

At the same time, I thought about this a little bit more deeply last night and realized that I AM very lucky to have a wonderful friend like C. Not everyone has that good fortune in life. I know as well as anyone by now that we don't usually get everything that we want. We don't. The lot that I've been dealt is pretty terrific.

So...I was going to plant the seeds that my mom sent today...but then I realized that since C. is going to be in Germany as of Thursday there will be no one to water or groom them when I am away. That is likely to be a disaster. I suspect I will have to germinate when I get back, as a result. That sounds kind of dirty!

When I get back, too, I think I am going to look into finding a breeder so that I can get my puppy! I need to talk to my landlord about it, but fortunately it is illegal here to prevent someone from having a pet in an apartment. So he has no choice. His father had been adamantly against dogs, but since I wasn't in a place to have one I didn't tell R. about the law at that time.

I'm very pleased with the beginnings of my cleaning and organizing. There is still a ton to do, but always a wee bit of cleaning and scooping up makes me feel a bit better. I think it's the idea that things can be done, even challenging things, if you simply make a *start*.

Fortunately, the absolutely terrible headache that I had all day Friday and for most of yesterday pretty much abated by last night. I have a little bit of it again now, but hopefully whatever it is is working its way through my system. MOre than anything, I don't want to have anything wrong with me when I fly. I don't want to be a "swine flu suspect."

I understand why people are paranoid (ahem the media), but I think this whole thing is quite silly. Yes, it might morph into something quite serious, but thousands of people die of flu every year anyway, and let's not even talk about the more pernicious bugs that are killing people admitted to hospitals (e.g. C. difficile). People seem to need to have something to worry about...And I'm speaking from a country where we DID have a very real SARS problem that ruined our tourism sector for a while.

I know, I'm the pot calling the kettle black telling others not to worry! :)

I should take a picture of the post card that Marco sent to me. It's quite remarkable - like he got into my head - because it's exactly the picture of my favourite ride in the Val d'Orcia that I have in my head. It's sitting here by my computer screen.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not being wistful about Marco. I don't want to end up in an extremely challenging relationship. It could not work.

No, I want to find someone here with whom I have at least as much in common. There simply must be someone here who is just waiting for a nuisance like me to enter his life!

I mean, I'm a fun nuisance, at least!

Oh! I almost forgot. Something interesting happened yesterday. Or not, depending on your thoughts. Do you remember how I canceled my interview to be a diplomat (in February)? I had broken my arm, was tired, not sure about the job...

Well, I checked the old email account I never check, yesterday, and there was an email asking me to respond because I hadn't responded to another one last week (I had missed it, since there's so much junk going into that account now, anyhow). I happened to click on this one and now I have until May 5 to reply as to whether I'd like to be interviewed for a diplomatic position.

It's a funny thing. I feel less opposed to the job than I did in February, although there are some major disadvantages to such a job. Given what has happened in my current job with my performance this year, I will receive a small raise in June and then a significant raise in November. I think I would have to take a pay cut (OK - I'm pretty sure), a significant pay cut, if I were offered and to take the diplo. job. Those jobs mostly don't pay very well, except if you go somewhere "dangerous."

Very tricky.

As I mentioned yesterday, the money is important inasmuch as I'm trying to make up for lost time (time spent in school, time spent traveling and competing). On the other hand, I know that I would take less pay if I were doing something I felt passionately about.

The foreign service could eventually be something good. (I feel genuinely as though I want to be doing something to help people in the world. One could eventually be doing that in diplomacy, though not immediately.)

In my current job all I am doing is helping Canadians. That is not much, but I suppose it is something. It's not exactly "helping" in the humanitarian way that I would like to be "helping," but it does involve the redistribution of income from rich to poor in the most effective ways we can (that's the attempt, anyhow), so that is what keeps me from running screaming from the building.

I don't know. I suppose I could interview this time. And then I could decide subsequently if it was worth it. My ideas will likely change by the time they are offering any jobs, anyhow.

Who knows. I don't know yet what I want. I feel as though I am getting there...but I'm not sure what it is. When I was at the writers' festival last week, I was listening to the journalists and writers talking about some of those "leading" Prime Ministers. And the ideas that they were bandying around had to do with the fact that 1) we haven't had anyone visionary or any big ideas in Canadian politics in 20 years (with which I partly but not totally agree - the problem is with the electors); and 2) that our diplomatic presence in the world was at its peak in the 50s and 60s and since then Canada has squandered its potential. The current government has decimated that department, but if we get the change of government that I expect, the role of the department could change dramatically. It's tough to be hopeful in a climate like this, but there might be reason to hope that in future the role of that department will be more positive.

So, I'm meandering. I'm still back at the beginning. I still don't know exactly what I want to do. I want to do something positive for people. That's all I know. And I want to have time for reading and thinking and being and, ideally, eventually writing history. A small list of desires. :)

DO you know, I was watching ANOTHER bad Johnny D3pp movie on the French channel last night. This time he was not replaced by an alien though. They must have a JD marathon going on. Not that I'm objecting or anything. :)

Does anyone remember him on 21 Jump Str33t?

Oh! Another fear-mongering thing on the swine flu on the radio. Will listen.

9:54 a.m. - 2009-05-03

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