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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Draggy, to be honest.

Just got back from a run.

You know, I've been feeling kind of frightened since yesterday. It's a weird thing, and I hope it's just hormones, but I feel unusually fearful at the moment.

I had a lovely morning, which was great, but now that I'm back at home tonight I still feel something nagging at me. I've had nightmares in the last couple of nights, and last night's were the worst. I was dreaming of being attacked in my apartment again, and this time it was quite similar to when I was attacked on July 26, 1996. It was like a re-enactment of that, only I was here in this apartment. I didn't like it one bit. I woke up in a cold sweat at 2:30 a.m.

My subsequent dream last night was less outrageous. (I put the radio and the light on and fell asleep by reading a book.) I then dreamed a long and convoluted dream about losing my passport and trying to replace it. I think it was BEFORE I was to go to Italy and not whilst in Italy.

Not sure what is going on. Perhaps it's still the old fear that I don't deserve my good fortune, that the rug will be pulled out from under me the way that it was when I was a kid. I just don't know.

In more positive news, I realized that the message of today with that woman was that I need to change my habits a bit. I've always been the "few very close friends that I keep forever" type of person. I'm thinking that I need to branch out and make more "friends." What I mean is that it's OK to have friends who are not close friends. I always thought that that was for insincere people but I realize that that's just normal social interaction in a community. I'm too serious. I take things too seriously.

So, I'm learning. I used to always think that people are just as they are, that I've always been a bit of a loner, a private person...but I think that that is wrong. We can't change the fundamentals of what we value and feel good about, but we can change our behaviour and our feelings towards things that are really not of grand import. Someone who is also an introvert was once describing to me her frenetic apparently extroverted lifestyle by saying, "I've found I'm happier when I force myself to do more." She might have been onto something.

I put a pot of chicken soup on the stove. I might be getting sick. In any event, we have had a terrible weather week (I was wearing my winter coat and scarf again today), and so I am not getting enough vitamin D at least.

Hope you are well! I'm OK. I'm a tough middle-aged bat. :)

Hopefully tonight I'll dream a dream of finding a lovely traveling boyfriend. :)

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9:48 p.m. - 2009-04-23

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