enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Gotta run...will come back

So today ended badly. I felt I had to dumb myself down for something. Not my fault - the institution's and my boss's fault, and frankly, the fact that it is male...place. Completely male is the situation in which I found myself.

And then the senior economist tried to give me advice on something that I was doing, and he was completely talking out of his ass, so I barely acknowledged what he said...and he got huffy. I do get tired of having to smooth his stinky ruffled feathers every day. But I do it. And I must. Things are quite fine. Just needed to vent my dissatisfaction. I will go back again tomorrow and work with the gentle "you get more flies with honey than with vinegar" strategy that I've been using recently with great success. I can save being openly my cleverest until my next job. :)

Who cares about jobs, anyhow, when there are such friends to be met as I encountered this morning?

Lovely to meet smart, accomplished women who don't set limits on themselves because of age. I want to be more like these women in the sense that they have been having parties and get-togethers and enjoying life, even though one of them has only recently moved to Ottawa. They've been having parties without me, but that is OK too. :)

I'm actually not upset about it. I'm more junior than these women and none of them seemed to know my age. Also, there are not many in my unit and I tend to keep to myself at work (perhaps not the best strategy). I think they thought I was closer to the younger cohort in age and experience. No worries. I'm making new friends now!

I just feel so open and positive. This shifted everything in me. I don't need to feel as though many things are not possible, although I still believe that I will not have children. (The only thing that would induce me to that would be if I were to meet someone I was absolutely convinced was my soulmate and we decided together that we really wanted to have children. Otherwise, I wouldn't seek it. I don't believe in having children to not be left out in future. In any event, you never know the counterfactual.)

Soo...the other thing that I learned today is something that I know but always forget: that looks are not about "looks." These two women today were not model beautiful. In fact, many people in passing them by would not even think they are pretty.

But when you start talking to these women they become utterly beautiful. They don't need fancy clothes or coloured hair or jewellery. They glow with intelligence and humour and brilliant stories.

Gotta run...Back briefly. So here's the funny thing that happened today. I realized that my Master's thesis could be very useful to a problem we are encountering...now. Only I was so cavalier about these things in the past - thinking my brain could easily "redo" things - that it appeared for a while this afternoon that I had LOST my Master's thesis. And in fact, I HAD. I had not saved a copy on my current computer, my back-up, or possibly even the computer that I had before this one (which my mom has and has probably trashed by now). Funny, no?

Do you know how I got a new copy of it?? Yes! The C-meister had saved a copy of it for me. He knew I would eventually forget about it and lose it.

The funny thing is that I am hyper-organized these days at work. I file everything very well and have a great classification system. I guess that librarianship improved my meandering economist ways. I am not much improved, in general, however - only a little.

6:57 p.m. - 2009-04-23

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