enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Back on an even keel

OH I am an old lady. First, I had the duel on two feet with the senior economist yesterday.

And then after work today, C. had me out for a run. I KNEW that it was a bad idea, but he had this grand idea that it would make us more alert for the ballet. NOT!

It was a three-hour ballet. Remarkable, but true.

It was quite nice, although I must say that I realized the limitations of Romeo and Juliet for the ballet when I thought about there being mostly dead people in the final few scenes. Not a lot of dancing can be done with a dagger and hand-wringing grief.

I mean, at least dancing of the leap-edy leap type.

Still, the costuming was lovely and what's not to love about a heady Prokofiev score.

I'm happy.

Poor C. though. It's his own fault for staying late at another concert last night. But after having driven late into the night to come back from a distant funeral the night before...he was a zombie. I actually (truly!) started pinching him during the third act. He was a good sport about it.

So I think that that's it.

Walking home I was already feeling so guilty and uneasy in my good fortune in life. I have so much, and today I had more heaped on me (got a "plus" rating and my boss talked about an additional promotion accelerated to a mere six months from now - unbelievable).

Really, I can't believe it. I walked into my apartment thinking of all of the poor and starving children in the world. And here I am - ballet, good job with opportunities. I don't know what I did to deserve it.

Nothing, of course. I was born here by chance and I've made the best here of what I've been given. Very simple. Still is horribly unfair.

I'm enjoying what I have (and dear artgnome has planted the seed of hope that Ottawa might be an "arts" city!), but something inside makes me know that I need to do something more. All of these conflicting voices inside. Creativity. Volunteer. Using my economics skills to make the world a better place. Which direction to turn? How will I become most fulfilled and therefore do my best for others in a general sense? I really don't know.

Discovered something else cool yesterday. I heard Leonard Cohen talking on the radio about how he never cared much for grand things, big houses. I'm so on that page. I could live with what I have now for the rest of my life an d be happy. Truly! I have too much already, even in this small apartment. I don't want for more. It's unbelievable. OK, so I want a garden with massive lilac bushes and vegetables and lily of the valley that waft scent up through my windows on summer evenings. C'est tout. And a library simply piled with books. And maybe a Golden Retriever. I draw the line there though. Dudes optional. ;-)

So I did something smart today! After French class, even before my performance evaluation, I went to the bookstore and bought myself two new books (to save myself hemming and hawing over going to buy them tomorrow). Now I'm all set up for some cozy armchair reading in the sunshine tomorrow after yoga. OK, maybe not sunshine (rain is forecast). So I'll be listening instead to the raindrops falling on my eaves.

Oh! I figured out how to make my cool, giant circle window in under the front eaves into one with a screen: get the second half of the semi-circle and turn it into a window that flops downward/opens inward. I know! Good plan!

Honestly, I remembered that the house next door and mine were originally (i.e. a hundred years ago) identical. Except as R. told me once, with his French tsk tsk, "But the one next door has been... massacred." I looked up on my way home from my run to see that my old window in the front has its identical counterpart in the house next door. They have handled the maintenance problem more effectively, so now I know what to do!

Excellent!!

C. just called to tell me that he is proud of me. That was nice. It was a long year. I struggled through my anxiety problems and now have prevailed and built an excellent ladder at work. Everything is going swimmingly. And my mom is being nice. It's like manna from heaven. Very, very fortunate. Never forget.

Oh and there were Venetian clowns in the ballet tonight (OK Veronese - like I said, Romeo and Juliet is kind of deficient for the ballet and needs filler scenes ;-)). What's not to like about dudes in tights doing legs-in-the-air splits and other goofy maneouvres?? EXCELLENT!

11:34 p.m. - 2009-04-17

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