enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Like a lumpy throw rug.

A little bit of pattern gave me a bit of texture today.

Just kidding.

I remain less concentrated on my work than I was before I went away, which annoys me. My mind keeps on drifting to Italy.

This did not help:

ME (in response to yesterday's earthquake email from M... and please do compliment me on my very RARE attempt at actual flirting ;-)):

You were drinking bad wine at dinner (copious amounts) without ME???

And you�re now international MEN of mystery? May I have one? ;-)

HIM:
It's a typo!!! You have the only one already!!

PS: With you I actually want to drink good wine.

Smooth...But in the understatement of the year, I'm starting to realize that men really are THAT simple. ;-) (Not complaining at all, if even I can navigate these waters!)

I'm rethinking my position on (a particular Italian) man. I'm thinking that every girl needs one (and a handsome one, to boot) every now and then (like a good handbag and a sky-high pair of heels).

I could complain extensively about work today. The senior economist slipped one by me in my absence and as a result I lost a project. I've decided to go all zen about these things, however, and continue to talk to my boss and to define my projects separately. By the fall I should start looking to move to another job in the department, anyhow (and it surprises me that I write this, as I hadn't thought consciously about it before), so it's rather easy to be zen.

Something has happened to me. It must be confidence. It feels simply like trust. I am no longer worried about jobs or the next step or anything else.

Aside: I'm feeling like an Italian these days, myself, by the way, in that I have rejected comfortable shoes in favour of heels for my walk to work. You know, you only live once. I do not want to wear comfortable shoes every day. Some days, I want to make my legs appear all long and lovely.

I was crossing a parking lot on the way home, in said heels, and thinking, "I have everything that I have ever wanted! This is why I feel so peaceful."

I did an inventory. I have a good job. I have a nice place to live. I have enough money to travel. I have enough money that I can afford to buy books and the occasional nice piece of clothing. I still have my running/athletics, which has been with me and has not left (I've been running now for 16 years continuously, if you can believe it!). I have it all! I have work-life balance and can enjoy the time that I spend with the people I love. It is true that I am missing the most important ingredient - creative fulfilment, at least at work - but I know that that is coming. I do.

So I'm going to enjoy and not worry. Bad things will happen, for sure. Let's worry about them after they happen.

Yes, I'm a veritable Buddha.

I stopped at the pizza shop to have a slice, since I had a no-carb lunch today (forgot the rice DOH!) and as a result was hungry enough to want to eat my right arm. There were teenagers in there. I want to like teenagers, but disorderliness and an inability to queue, plus talking on a cell phone in front of my face are never my favourite things. Nevertheless, I was very zen about it. Miraculous! There must be something in the water!

Then I sat down with my slice in a window seat, on a high stool, and dangled my legs in their patterned tights. I stared out at the world.

I'd like to say that my world is interesting, but all there were passing by were people at the end of the work day (and seeing one cute-as-a-button woman go by in a pretty suit with comfortable shoes (very disappointed when I got to the shoes) cured me of the desire to EVER wear that combo again!), and joggers heading to the canal. The sky was so blue and the temperature so mild that there were people out on patios. After exiting the pizza parlour I could hear the gurgle of voices on one rooftop patio, and on another a group were taking a photo.

Incidentally, as much as I dislike many of the manifested uses of modern technology, I think that digital cameras are a most marvelous of item. They have almost certainly added pleasure to many lives (mine included).

That was a ramble. I almost forgot though that I partially followed home a guy who looked like my ex "friend" Larry the Lounge Lizard. (He was going in my direction. :)) He was expensively dressed, the correct height (short), perfectly coiffed, vaguely unbalanced in stride. In the end it wasn't him, but I had a few fun moments of ogling and deeking, trying to ascertain whether my quarry was as suspected. Not! Isn't it amazing that one can live less than a mile from someone and not see him or her in two years?

Amazing.

But then I tend to frequent non-lounge-lizardy places, I suppose.

I don't have anything interesting to say today so I should quit, pour myself a glass of wine...indulge. It was pay day today and I was SOOO impressed with myself. I paid my bills up until the end of May and then budgeted the exact amount of money that I will need before, during and after Italy. I even decided on the exact amount that I will use to purchase Euro tomorrow at the best currency exchange place. My apparent surge in efficiency has even me amazed.

Now to decide on the dress. I still haven't mastered that one.

Hopefully C. will get back tonight. I miss him when he is gone. He's a kind of anchor for me.

6:28 p.m. - 2009-04-15

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