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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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And so it goes...

Ah...back to work.

I'm not upset about it, but the skies are blue and having four days off was...wonderful.

I actually went to bed "on time" last night, if you can believe it. Unfortunately, however, I couldn't fall asleep. I spent a good hour reading before I was able to drift off. As a result I feel a wee bit weary today. Nothing destructive, but still suboptimal for my mood and enthusiasm about work. :)

I was thinking though, as I was dragging out my old local cell phone (I never use it - prefer to put the money elsewhere, plus I'm unsociable :)) out of the detritus in my electronics "pile" for C., who is off to a funeral in the country (uncle who is married to a Canadian aunt)...I keep on thinking that I'm stuck and not moving towards any dream. But the very fact that I OWN an Italian cell phone, which I DO use...seems to imply otherwise. Things take time.

Take your time.

Incidentally, re. the M. thing, that will come to naught. He told me last year that he "could love me," but that he was choosing to force himself not to (because he didn't want to "suffer"). He offered that; I didn't initiate the conversation. HE told me to go home and find someone who could love me, because he wants me to be happy. Lately, after a winter in which he seemed to be relying on me quite heavily, I haven't heard from him as much. He wrote last week to say he is very busy. I suspect that that is true, but he could just as easily also be dating someone. I have to be OK with that. Frankly, that it is what he should be doing. It is also what I *should* be doing.

Nevertheless, I am unswayed. I'm on a hyper-honesty kick and I think it's great. When I think of it, people in general seem to keep things inside for way too long. They suffer irritation or frustration or worse and keep silent until finally something pops...and for what? I'm OK with being rejected and with failing.

I think that that's the gift of the last few years. I was NOT ready for rejection or for failure even two years ago. I was still licking old, old wounds. Now, however, I am ready for both. Perhaps because of all of the anxiety that I have worked through. Anxiety has thrust me into the worst possible set of feelings. Working through it and realizing that most worries themselves are wasted energy, falling down or being rejected sound so trivial, transient. And no matter what, I know how deeply M. respects and likes me, so there is nothing lost.

So...bon. Off to work. :( I do appreciate that one must earn one's bread in order to move forward and to travel...even to the miniature landscapes of Italy and an imaginary boyfriend. ;-)

Thanks for your comments re. the dress! My heart says pink but navy I know would endure. I will likely go with the navy. I've bought a few things on a whim in recent years to "brighten myself up" and haven't worn them for long. Colour is great, but perhaps accents are better. Now I need to figure out what to do with my dreadful, drab hair...A story for another day.

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8:54 a.m. - 2009-04-14

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