enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Some discoveries!

I have a bit of a stomach ache today. Nothing serious. It crept up on me and kind of ruined my day. Too bad, as I was hoping to go to a reading and associated talk tonight.

First, I must discuss a thoughtful post by poolagirl. She is one of those blogging to entertain and to be entertained. It rather bothers me that I'm not one of those people. In my real life I'm often joking around and have a dry sense of humour, but that isn't apparent here. I started this diary when I was in a dark, dark, draggy place (maybe five or six years ago - I could check, I suppose, but I'm too lazy to do so ;-)), and there was simply no way that I could be funny at that time. The habit and tone of writing stuck.

I'm also cursed by being a pretty serious person by nature, in spite of loving to laugh and a deep comfort with the fact that the world and most of the people in it are utterly ridiculous (and I include myself in that characterization). I can't help but dig deeper and deeper and deeper into things. Hoping to achieve a cure...

The other thing that I got to thinking about in light of this entry is the liking and being liked thing. In spite of a sort of rigid appearance, I pretty much like everyone. I'm more or less disposed to like anyone. Push me too hard and too far, however, and eventually I'll just stop being interested in you. It's not that I don't like you; it's that I feel that your presence is actually detracting from my enjoyment and relaxation and think it's better to move away. It's pretty simple. Pretty much the only thing that will do that is if I feel that someone is being dishonest with me. I can't stand passive aggression. Come out and tell me exactly what you think or what's bothering you (although I fully appreciate and am empathetic towards people who don't realize that they are presenting this kind of a pattern), even if it might be "hurtful." (I don't really believe that the truth is very hurtful, even if it is your truth and not one to which I can quite relate.)

I'm sort of rambling here, but this is all to say that I don't hold grudges(tend to forget things and clear brain space for new things), and, perhaps more interestingly, I realize that I don't care at all if people like me on here. It's nice when they do, but it's funny to realize that I'm comfortable with the fact that sometimes people just won't like me. Maybe that comes from having spent so much time in my life bewildered by my relationship with my mother. I always felt growing up that my mother resented me, even though I spent so much of my time trying to be the "star" daughter. Maybe it helped me to realize that sometimes you're simply swimming against the tide.

SOo...that was totally off topic. Or maybe not. I'm feeling ridiculously at peace with myself lately. I hadn't written about this but last week I had written to set up my bilinguilism tests with the government. I was thinking that it was about time. And here's the kicker: The lady wrote back to me, "Why do you want to do then again so soon? You have the highest possible level in reading and the second-highest in writing?" (apart from those for native speakers)

WAAAAAAAHHHH???

This is how self-doubting and absolutely PATHETIC I was two years ago: I had written the tests in conjunction with a job process I didn't follow through with completely. As a result, I had thought that those tests had vanished into the ether. Furthermore, when I started my current job, I had assumed that I had FAILED those tests since I always think stupid things like that.

So, the end result of this is that 1) I've been sitting in a French class WAAAAAY below my level (which I knew already), wondering why my classmates are so slow; and 2) I've left the "bilingual bonus" on the table for the last two years that could have paid for more travel to Italy. All I needed to do was do the oral part and achieve a much lower level at that to boot.

Seriously, WHO is the slow one?

That's what poor confidence will get you.

I mean, I'm no Baudelaire.

And that's exactly the point. In my crazy mind I had thought that in order to deserve my certification I needed to become a bard of the language of lovers. I had obviously failed those tests, I thought.

Dork!

So the point of this was not in any way to show off. It was to show you how dumb it is to lack confidence in yourself. What does it matter what others think, if you're not perfect, if you fail? If you don't get out there and simply do you are likely to waste so much time. So fly already!

I know I'm not spouting rocket science here, but I hope I'm singing a song that will be heard by all of us who hope to do this or that and are afraid to put our baby toes in the water. Try. You never know what will happen unless you try. :)

I've read so many interesting things lately, but I fear that this entry is getting WAAAY too long already.

Oh! I popped into another bookstore on the way home from work tonight. They didn't have what I wanted, but I picked up and fingered through yet ANOTHER book on people finding themselves amongst the quirky natives in Tuscany. This time New Yorkers. I mean, how original am I for walking in through my own front door in Tuscany?

NOT ORIGINAL AT ALL. :)

It's always alarming to realize how much like every other yuppy person your yuppy self might happen to be, in spite of your attempts to delude yourself that things are otherwise.

I'm not original at all. I did my lovin' on a bicycle, is all. ;) (And let me tell you, that took some work.)

Joking.

I suppose that it IS somewhat original to be a quantitative modeling economist finding herself in Tuscany and thinking about writing about it, rahter than these writer people who tend to already be...writers and artists or art historians. ;-)

I suppose I could write about why Italian economics works at the individual and not the collective level...interspersed with bicycle love scenes in the sun-drenched hills.

Now THAT would be original. ;-)

Me thinks me needs a new country.

Sorry - silly tonight and very, very tired.

6:56 p.m. - 2009-04-14

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