enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Really beyond fatigue

Ahhhhh tired.

Did sort of a stupid thing tonight - even though tired, wasted the evening arguing with a former professor who is now an influential political/policy wonk.

I wrote a long and stupid entry about how difficult it is to be a woman with a strong mind and something useful to say. But really, what's the point.

The truth is that I always feel guilty when I do what someone like Claus would do - argue back. It's a silly thing. I feel as though I should apologize for being assertive.

Anyhow. Then I got home and had to clean up some things. I can't believe how messy my apartment has gotten in only a couple of weeks! I had done so much spring cleaning. It happens so quickly. But now I am pretty much neatened up and back up to speed. It is too late but I should at least make an attempt to get a good night's sleep.

I'm QUITE tired, I will confess. Quite tired, indeed.

Life is a challenge sometimes. The best thing is to sleep and start over tomorrow. Fortunately, tomorrow is the start of the long weekend and I could not be more grateful. I will do more cleaning and then make a start on my new projects. I have a list of things that I want to do this summer. More later on these. ;-)

-Write a book
-Take a sushi-making course
-Take a proper Italian cooking course (would love to do the one in Italy but the money...I've spent way too much lately)
-Take a sommelier course
-Learn to garden (will have to be window gardening, sadly)

I have already signed up for my drawing course in May! I know I've said that. I'm getting excited though...

The problem with many of the preceding options is that...Ottawa is limited in its options. I may not be able to find these things at the quality level that I would prefer. Always hitting a bit of a wall.

Oh - the writers festival starts next week and I am going to go to that. I keep on trying to find a life here, but it gets more depressing whenever I look seriously at this. At dinner tonight, it was concluded that Ottawa is good for people once they have kids and are raising families. Otherwise...

You know the story. :) Interestingly, I think that I truly am moving in the direction of moving away. There is a guy who is interested in me who would be a an excellent boyfriend - very smart (very interesting research and an intriguing PhD), environmentally conscious, unconventional, interesting, respects women for their brains (has a brilliant and accomplished sister who is a prominent environmental activist). I even like him, but when I'm talking with him I realize that I just don't want a boyfriend that much. I'm like, "Meh! I can leave it." Weird. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't feel excited about Marco in that way anymore, so that is not it. But still, I suppose I would prefer to meet someone who sees through me the way that Marco did. Now that would be intriguing.

OK. NO complaining. Off to bed I go. With my book. I really need some sleep in order to tackle my work with gusto tomorrow. It is going very well at the moment and I don't want to lose momentum.

Gusto! That's the word of the day!

12:37 a.m. - 2009-04-09

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