enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Stomach hurts

I shouldn�t be writing at work, but I am having the worst possible day. My stomach is churning. I feel like I�m facing a black pit of life ahead of me.

My mother finally emailed me two days ago, to tell me that she had gotten back from her vacation (and all about her vacation). I had only heard from her once in the winter. This time, like the other time, she didn�t even ask about my broken arm.

So I emailed her back to say, �Nice to hear about your vacation. Um�you didn�t even ask about my broken arm.�

So then she wrote back to me to tell me how self-centred I am and how she can�t be bothered dealing with me.

I mean, my mother wasn�t a good mother when I was growing up. She often made cruel remarks to me. But this one, for whatever reason, hurts the most. I feel like everything I did last year in trying to assert myself and assert that I need independence, for her to stop criticising me and trying to interfere in my life, was for nothing. I just wanted to be able to have the space to heal and to grow. Now I feel like I�m a horrible person whose own mother even hates her. I feel like I�m about 800 years old today and so sad. I come from a shitty family, and now I have no one left (even an immature mother seemed better than nothing). I've always wondered why she is like that. I still don't know. I speculate that on some level she is jealous of me for making all of the choices that she did not/would not have made.

3:06 p.m. - 2009-04-01

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