enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Sunday...erm....bloody Sunday night.

Yes, Sunday evenings/nights always do my head in.

C. came over in late afternoon, and as the light in my living room comes from the west and south, it's bright and glowing for a while and then abruptly, as the sun sinks below buildings in the neighbourhood, it's like the lights are dimming. :)

Ah sigh. I always go through a momentary panic on Sunday evenings. It's exactly the opposite to the expansive feeling that I have on Friday nights.

I can't be too hard on my job at this juncture. I just got a raise. The old dudes seem to trust me more now and my responsibilities are increasing. It's not my dream life, of course, but it is very interesting work and my talents are starting to shine through in it (took long enough!). And besides, we all know that I can't jump ship right away.

Maybe it's conditioned panic because it was so horrible for the first year?

Maybe it's still fear of losing my job (which has always been a fear of mine).

Anyhow. No need to panic.

I spend the later part of Sunday nights trying to meditate my way back down to the satisfaction that I felt earlier in the day. Mostly I have to do a whole lot of self-talk about not panicking that I didn't get out during the weekend to meet any new life goals, to meet anyone new, to date, etc.

I don't do those things in part because I'm still holding myself back, but also because in part I need to do this inner work to figure out what I really want, and I do that in peace when I'm in a space that I love.

This weekend I did get out and run with my best friend, have breakfast and good chat at his place. We had planned to go to a movie last night but both of us were tired. Likewise today, but I was also engaged in my cleaning. I'm glad I'm doing this though - cleaning the house seems to be a first or corollary step to cleaning the cobwebs out of my person.

Fortunately, some divine piano music is on the radio at the moment. I baked a quiche (spinach and mushroom) intended for lunches for the next couple of days. Unfortunately, it was sooooo delicious that I have eaten a big chunk of it already. Oops! I was trying to figure out why it was so delicious and I realized that what I was tasting was the handful of fresh basil that I had thrown in. Which reminds me...I need to start planting my herbs. I am not much of a gardener. I want to learn. That's a project for this spring.

OK. I feel more peaceful just writing this. I've done some breathing exercises and just a moment ago I wrote down a whole bunch of things that I yearn for. I think that that's a good step.

Bon. I wish you all wonderful beginnings to the week!! I'm hoping for some bright sun shining in my window when I wake up; and in yours, too. I'm not going all cheesy on you - don't worry - but I need some light. And of course, I am going to Italia in May, to wrap myself in beauty (as Anna has noted!) and to wrap things up with my friend. Lucky me. :) I know you're not supposed to take photos whilst looking right into the sun. I don't follow that type of rule though. :)

The latter one reminds me of Elizabeth Barrett Browning:

I would build a cloudy House
For my thoughts to live in;
When for earth too fancy-loose
And too low for Heaven!
Hush! I talk my dream aloud---
I build it bright to see,---
I build it on the moonlit cloud,
To which I looked with thee.

Cloud-walls of the morning's grey,
Faced with amber column,---
Crowned with crimson cupola
From a sunset solemn!
May mists, for the casements, fetch,
Pale and glimmering;
With a sunbeam hid in each,
And a smell of spring.

Build the entrance high and proud,
Darkening and then brightening,---
If a riven thunder-cloud,
Veined by the lightning.
Use one with an iris-stain,
For the door within;
Turning to a sound like rain,
As I enter in.

10:23 p.m. - 2009-03-22

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