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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Grey morning

Dreadful morning. You'd think it would at least appear to be morning.

I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up wondering where the papers were for one of my student loans. I hadn't looked at them for a while. I stayed up until I could find them...which was late.

I've decided to plough my raise back into my student loans, to get them paid off more quickly. How's that for fun? Oh well - must be done.

I just read BoXx's entry about possibly losing her job. I wrote coincidentally at about the same time last night - I hadn't read the entry - about how I was proud that I have had a good attitude at my job even though it is not the right match for my personality and interests. I would feel differently though if I didn't have relative job security. We have relative job security for a number of reasons - one of the big ones being that there was a hiring freeze here in the 1990s and so now with all of the baby boomers starting to retire the lovernment is thin in many middle and upper layers. They need solid people to stick with it and rise to the middle and the top to take over those management jobs.

I'm very lucky. I realize that. I would prefer to be doing something fun and interesting, but at the moment I am accepting that this is how life has to be - I spent more than ten years in university, mostly studying economics, and now it is time to pay back what of that wasn't covered by scholarship (and money spent due to bad decisions and the decision to run competitively and not earn much for a long while). I also appreciate that I have a role that is valuable for society, and I appreciate that I can do things that can help to direct the spending of taxpayer money, the redistribution of income from rich to poor, etc.

Where I am is also where *I* can make the most money and get my freedom the most quickly. If you had asked me two years ago if *I* of all people would make the decision to remain working as an economist I would never have said so. But for now I realize that it is the only option. That doesn't mean that I can't dream and start working towards that history Ph.D. on the side, or start doing other things on the side that could lead to something better. Where there is a will there is a way! I kind of figure that ultimately, in such a rich society, I really don't have any entitlement to complain. As long as we have our health...we have options.

OK. Off to work! Or actually French training - another reason to appreciate my good fortune!

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8:36 a.m. - 2009-03-11

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