enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Cooked for two days, wrote, did taxes, read, cleaned, oh my!

I know. I keep on writing. I've just finished the work for today.

A very productive day, I must say. Not that I like that - weekends are for relaxing - but sometimes getting things out of the way gives you a bit of space in which to...relax in fact.

You know I finally deleted myself from that expensive dating site to which I signed up a year ago. It was a huge mistake. Well, not a mistake. A waste of money. I knew it almost immediately. I went on exactly one date. I had pulled my profile down and shut down matching until, I don't know, maybe a month or two ago, when I decided that I might as well use up the subscription.

It's been an interesting process. I've felt very differently about it than I did when I tried the online thing before. This time I had zero expectations and was happily, patiently observing.

What I noted mostly is what I'd noted before - there is a dearth of men who want to date women in their late 30s, and most who do either are in their 40s and divorced with several young children or are significantly older and looking for a much younger women. I've actually been generating quite a bit of interest lately, if you can believe it, I think because I've been more relaxed and my profile reflected that. A few of the surprisingly eligible men who initiated correspondence lately seemed rather interesting - one gentleman from Boston, in particular - but in the end I decided to bow out. I just can't motivate myself to give this a go.

I think it's twofold - I want to keep on going with the things that interest me and I'm ambivalent about someone else interfering with that; and I haven't yet figured out what I want in general as well as specific terms.

I think it's partly related to Marco, although not in the way that you think. I've come to terms with the fact that he's a man unwilling to risk anything (again? for me? doesn't matter) and effectively that he's not for me. We've had some wonderful conversations lately and I feel good and valued. It's all OK. Of course there are feelings there and of course I'll hurt after I see him in May. Those things are a given. I'm OK with that. I'm willing to do that. I think it's still useful to work through this, because I'm learning so much about what is actually going on *inside of me* through the feelings that have developed and changed in my relationship with him. It's incredibly interesting, and I like and trust him. (Aside: I make love into a bit of a science experiment, don't I? OK - I shouldn't diss science; it's more of an overanalysis, economics style. ;-))

I think that the biggest thing I've acknowledged lately is that, much as I would like it to be different, you can't rush...anything. Things take their time to work out. That whole patience is a virtue thing is an adage for a good reason, just as with all of the other...adages. :) I think that Fifi warned against the reverse - what was that? Flapping about?

Yeah. I don't know. That wonderful French Canadian guy whom I wandered around Florence with on New Year's Eve - Francis - said something that has been ringing in my ears in the last few days. That's the bit about stopping the thinking so much about what the "rules" are. In other words, my life is not "wrong" even if I decide not to ever be with someone. He liked and admired what I've been doing, he said. It's kind of what I was saying yesterday - it's difficult to shift one's paradigm so completely. From the day that we're born we sort of get the message that the optimum for a girl is to find a man. It's never even considered seriously that a woman could be truly happy and fulfilled entirely without. It's not an option.

I'm not saying that I resent the fact that that's how it is. Honestly, it never occurs to me on my own, either, that being alone is a path to happiness. We all desire companionship, and as much as I diss them I rather like dudes (well, a minority of them, but the good ones are jewels). What always struck me with Marco was his willingness to express emotion. I just love that in a man. They should teach that in North America instead of HOCKEY SLAPSHOTS AND TOUCHDOWNS. HARUMPH. Extra emphasis

Sometimes though I think it pays to start pushing the boundaries of one's thinking into this terrain. No relationship is ever perfect. Compromises are always made and terrain is restricted. If I can be imaginative about it, it seems possible that I could envision a life for myself just as great on my own as one in which I would find myself with someone. Some little, niggling bit inside of me wonders if I'm just too spirited and energetic and curious - and maybe just a little bit crazy - to ever be truly satisfied tied to one person. I just don't want to be ashamed of that fact if it proves true. I once had a conversation with a wonderful woman in Australia who remembered an aunt who was widowed in the war and who never remarried and was delighted to be left alone. In fact, she observed (the aunt, that is), that even the animals she tended (cows I believe) had their independent, outlier members.

Anyhow. So I apologized to all of the men who had expressed interest in me on the dating site and dropped the idea altogether. I want to go it alone for a while longer. I'm not sure how long, but long enough. Whatever that means. I can't help but feel that there are many exciting things on the horizon for me in the next couple of years. I get stronger and healthier and more sure in my steps each year. It's quite powerful to be a woman with just a tiny bit of knowledge and experience, isn't it? I can imagine how much this continues to grow with time.

I wonder how much of a coincidence it is that I've always idolized women like Edith Wh@rton, Mary Cassatt...Of course they had famiy money and got to do as they pleased (maybe I like *that* part ;)). Of course, too, I idolize Frida Kahlo, who suffered excruciatingly over a man.

Who knows. Well, I haven't tired myself out yet. Lord knows I've tired anyone who has attempted to read. I'm going to go to sleep tonight trying to remember that I'm not wrong because I'm different. Francis was right about this. I just have to continue to shut out the external voices and try to hear the bleating of that little internal one. It seems to know the course. It took me to Italy last year, and that was a good decision. I'll never regret these experiences. Not for one minute will I regret them. IN fact, for all of my flibbertigibbet (I think this MIGHT be my favourite word in the English language, even though with a reported 4 uses in every 1 million words, it is going the way of the dodo :( - I wish you could hear me singing it out loud, Sound of Mus!c style!) ways, the only things I've ever done and regretted have been related to the educational decisions that I made based on familial pressure. There are no other regrets! Bon! Sleepy time. (Double aside: I just discovered the GREATEST thing! There's a Guardian section called "Semantic Enigmas"!! Bow down. I bow down! I love enigmas.

11:16 p.m. - 2009-03-08

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