enfinblue's diary

enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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It will get set "right" again; it will be fun!

I have written about this subject a great deal (marathon running), so I apologize to those who have read more or less the same thing in the past. I woke up thinking about it, so this is what came out today.

So this is GREAT.

I am 100%, barring a brutal emergency, running the London Marathon again next year!!

YIPPPEEEEE!!!

More importantly, I am going to fundraise for the run for the MS Society, as Anna noted yesterday. I can't promise that I will raise millions, but I can promise that I will do my best to organize something this year.

For selfish, personal reasons, I'm incredibly happy about the way that this idea snuck up on me.

I've not wanted to look back at running for quite some time now. In the beginning, when I started running from absolute scratch at the age of 23, it had been fun. It was so much fun. When I started out, I would run anything and everything. I ran my first marathon without ever having run more than ten miles!! I had a blast. I cycled across hill and dale and took ferries to little local races. I did not care about winning or about being fast.

But then something happened. It appeared that I had talent. And then everything started to spin out of control. It happened slowly, but after I won my first marathon it took over. What followed was what I think of as a long period of suppression of all of the pain that I NEEDED to get out. I submerged myself in trying to be the best, and I overtrained and became hyper- judgmental of myself and my weaknesses and failures. My anxiety started there, because it became all or nothing for me - when I couldn't perform I was nothing in my own eyes.

So what is cool about this point in my life is that it's not the same. It's not the same at all. I just want to run and have fun, and leave lots of time for everything else in life! My stepfather always told me that he thought I'd love to run and compete again, only he didn't know when. When I'd started, he said, he'd seen so much joy.

It's a cool, cool feeling.

Do you know, I went through my marathon pictures just now and after all of the races - 25 marathons, many half marathons and other races - the only pictures - apart from less than a half dozen - that I kept, are pictures of enjoyment training or AFTER races.
I'm going back there! What a joy it is to be getting my life back, slowly but surely. I'm not referring to running, here, but rather the way that I'm claiming my interests, my job, my decisions in life as my own. And now I'm getting my running back, too. Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky me.

Only a couple of pictures remaining of the peak:

And the rest are about the fun - usually after the races, and sometimes before. Notice that beer or coffee were usually involved!!! I used to look at a lot of these pictures and beat myself up for not being super-skinny and therefore able to optimize my marathon performance. I used to HATE the fact that I had bigger, disproportionate thighs. I had a smart coach, however, who used to say, "Now those skinny girls they run fast for a while. But it catches up with them. And they can't run up a hill to save their lives." Now I just celebrate that I have and have had a healthy body and a healthy attitude towards food! I LOVE TO RUN!

Montreal Marathon