enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Cry cry cry cry cry

Cats,
I'm sorry if I'm poor company today. I just want to cry cry cry.

I had a panic attack over something stupid at work this morning. It kind of set the tone for the day. It was something small, too.

I had felt myself getting really anxious last night - holding my breath, feeling uptight - without knowing why.

I figured out - after cancelling my FOreign Affairs interview - that after cancelling the interview that left - in my head - my current job as my only option. When it's like that I put tons of pressure on myself to be perfect. And, indeed, the thing that came up this morning was something that I had done in error.

After that I did work my way through thinking about it, reminding myself that getting stressed about being stressed is never productive. I also reminded myself that I hardly ever have anxiety attacks anymore. No point in dwelling on it and making myself feel worse.

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SO then the day progressed. I really hate the meanness up the hierarchy in some places.

As you know, my boss promised me my promotion that I would have had had I NOT BEEN SO STUPID AS TO CHANGE MY JOB AGAIN IN 2007, in June or July of last year.

When he finally submitted the paperwork in January, he backdated it to September 1. I accepted that. Why, I don't know. I guess I didn't want to rock the boat.

So guess what? The waiting period was through and I got my final signed and sealed promotion today. I look at the contract and...it's dated November 10!!!

I mean, two months less back pay.

More importantly, it may affect when I can apply for my next promotion, delaying it by as much as a year, because there are specific waiting periods and one's review is only done once a year. The sad thing to be told is that that NEXT promotion will bring me back to the level that I had BEFORE I left the government to go back to school. I joke that I am doing the Mincer curve in reverse...and it is not that funny.

It IS my own fault for going to this ministry. At another ministry with all of the incompetent people (GOD, there are many), I would be at a higher level.

Still, it's the honesty and fairness thing that really burns my ass.

I have been trying not to cry all afternoon. I know how hard I've worked and how much better I am than the level that I'm at. I know that this department does that to people. I suppose what this could motivate me to do is to compete for a higher level at another department in the next year or two. Everything has a reason. Everything works out in the end. Still I feel very disappointed in my workplace.

I talked to my boss immediately and demanded to know why, but he seemed genuinely not to know about it. It came back on a contract signed from above, and it also could have been done at the HR level as a result of cost containment measures implemented by the recent government in late NOvember. If my boss had put my promotion in earlier, when he was supposed to...Whatever.

Enough complaining. I will get a small amount of back pay. I still have a job. I get to go to a cool conference in June and take a whole week and take a special econometrics course. That sounds not fun, I'm sure, but these are all investments in my future.

I wouldn't be complaining so much about the money if I didn't have a student loan that I am still paying off. I was stupid at some point in my academic career - ahem law school - and have been plopping large amounts of money to pay off that loan. The stupidity of youth. I want that off my back, finally, and I know that I am entitled to the money promised to me and now gone, so it is difficult not to feel sad. I am not suffering though. That is clear. Three trips to Italy...

Ah well. It's really just hurt that I was promised one thing and then received less without any warning. I wish I had a lovely entry to offer like Anna's of last night. What a beautiful entry! I loved the pictures of the midway and of her with her grandson.

Oh well, put on a smiley face. I wonder if I should have my astrological chart done. Anna, input please!!

7:27 p.m. - 2009-02-17

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