enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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If you were for me, I'd be sleeping at your house.

You know, days at home are bad news for me. I don't think I'm going to do that again anytime soon, unless I'm at death's door.

The morning was OK. I cleaned up the kitchen, the bathroom and then got some rest.

After that it was all downhill, as I started to ruminate about all of the things that I haven't accomplished in life, all of the things at which I have blatently failed...blech. Not worth it.

I started to write a list of goals that I want to achieve in the next months, years, I don't know. I'm trying to envision them concretely.

I didn't get any actual work done, but don't tell my boss. I really did need a rest today, so at least that was accomplished (if combined with more of that good old self-flagellation).

Things are obviously going well at work at the moment. I shouldn't complain. I'm even disinclined to go to that Foreign Affairs interview next week at this point. What I want, beyond a few small things, is just not CLEAR yet.

I think that what is bothering me (apart from the fact that my arm is trapped in a cast and I'm already getting irritated tendons from typing like this) is that I used to be a gutsy person. I think I'm afraid that I'll end up being one of those people who doesn't take any more chances and who thereby sits back and watches other people take the risks and experience the highs.

*I* want to be in the game!

Ahh...how to get there.

For now I will save a little amusing bit that M. sent to me by email today. My gawd.....

Believe me, when I make my proposals on the spur of the mment I am actually genuine. I get excited about it and WANT to do it. Problem is that then things slowly fade, you are far, I get busy with my life and so on. I think it is also a cultural thing. Italians are like that. For you now is now, for us now is sometime soon.

Anyway, I would really love to go with you on a trip and I think this year I may be able to do it. But most of all I would like to be with you and know you better. I just hope by that time you will still want to do it...

You ARE special and I just wish you were closer.

Needs no comment, does it? I want to say, "Men!" or something like that, but that's not it. That is not it at all.

I just love the "I'm Italian" defence. :)

Anyhow. That is DONE. I know I keep on saying that but I realized today that no matter what he ever comes back with, I am not going on any trip with him.

I wrote that down today. It went something like this: Find new man to be annoyed by. In best case scenario he will actually live up to expectations. I s'pose for that to make sense I'd need to articulate my expectations...

:)

Ah, it's all good. How can I complain? I just need to be more patient with my life. Oh and take more responsibility for creating the one that I want.

7:38 p.m. - 2009-02-09

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