enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I sleep with the radio on, so the newswire is imbedding itself in my subconscious.

So it turns out that my heater in my bedroom had been completely OFF for the last two months. Now that C. has let out the air it is functioning properly and I am toasty warm at night and in the mornings. No WONDER it was so difficult for me to get into the shower in recent weeks.

Well I regret that I didn't take any photos today - the U.S. Emb@ssy all locked up and fenced up and bunker-like in the sharp, bright cold on my way to the art gallery for the play; the Supr3me Court white and austere on the cliff against the black, black sky on my way home from the archives.

I don't think to take my camera out these days and that is a mistake.

So I've decided that my dating strategy is a weak one.

THe issue seems to be that my tastes skew old. I mean, I CAN'T TALK to young, "normal" people. There's a hockey all stars game on tonight that everyone in the country except me is talking about. I wouldn't have known that it existed had some guy in my French class not been yammering on about it yesterday. :) I'm really, really out of touch.

I went to the Bernini play and accompanying lecture by the academic who translated it, at the National Gallery this afternoon. The average age of the audience was about 67, near as I could tell.

And then tonight, I was delighted by the Gl3nn Gould film at the Archives.
There were only maybe 50 people there, most also quite old, or in couples, so no dating possibilities there.

I mean, I'm not going these things specifically to find people to date; these are mere observations.

The Gl3nn Gould film had me going simply because I miss miss miss miss miss piano, and nothing reaches into my soul and into the wiring of my brain the way that piano sonatas and Bach fugues are able to. I'm on fire when my brain is on this kind of music. When I was little girl it was either me in the music room or my grandmother tearing up the keys. I miss my pianos. I talked with C. a bit when I got home and he thinks that I should buy a keyboard at least. I've been thinking of this ever since the keyboard that I had in Montreal was destroyed in the move two years ago.

It's a tough call. I would like to buy a piano, but if I'm going to buy one, I'd rather invest in a good one. I don't want to spend that kind of money right now.

I have the perfect spot in my apartment for a piano, though - it would be WONDERFUL to have.

Still not going to get me out into the real world though.

The most difficult part of the Gl3nn Gould film for me - it even had me in tears in the dark auditorium (and I'll admit that I shed a few of these tears for myself) - is the isolation that he experienced on account of his eccentricity. The sense of this was augmented for me because I knew many of the places in the Toronto of the 1970s in which he was depicted.

That's always the interesting thing about seeing a National Film Bo@rd piece. One of the peculiar things to outsiders is the intensity with which Canadians attempt to identify and protect a Canadian "culture" as distinctive from an American one. The documentary films of the NFB are one way that we have done this. They're quite interesting and a little bit quaint. They remind me of assemblies in school in which we got to see NFB films about Canada's history, with soaring scores written by Hayg00d Hardy. I miss those days. (I would be in grade three forever, if I could be, sadly.) It's not a matter of defining oneself as better than another group; it's about identifying with a unique time and place that has shaped one's memory and one's outlook.

Anyhow. So that was a bit of a walk down memory lane, I suppose.

On the way home I stopped in at the video store, mostly because they had a poster on the window that said, "Half price rentals of any video with a picture of an exploding bus on the cover."

(The public transit strike in Ottawa is now 46 days old (ridiculous!).)

So...

I rented the Shipping N3ws, since Fifi had reminded me of it.

What else?

I think not much. I think that mostly I need to say a little affirmation that I'm going to continue to work hard at reframing things in my life in a positive way. I still feel lonely, stressed, and a little bit bored with my life, but I do have the power to change something, anything, each day. Tomorrow I hope that I can motivate some drawing - even a little bit would suffice.

May you all be boogie-ing in your dreams.

10:46 p.m. - 2009-01-24

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