enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Sadly, a sad sack

Well I went to bed on time and I woke up after 8 hours. SO yoga helped me to sleep.

I still had a devil of a time getting up, and I still feel tired.

I feel all weepy and tired this morning, actually. It's probably partly hormonal as it's almost that time of the month I think. C. thinks that what I need though is a light shower lamp, as in a SAD lamp.

I guess it could be a combination of things.

Mostly I just feel sorry for myself. I went to bed feeling OK and trying to be hopeful for the future, but I woke up wondering why I fuck everything up? I mean, somehow I must have fucked up the M. situation, even though it was crazy to begin with.

I only seem to do stupid or crazy. I've fucked up everything. And I'm so well-intentioned! I keep on having to regenerate hope. And then I wake up and think I can't sustain the hope anymore.

Anyhow. No time for crying. I have to go to work. In a way it was better to have not slept and to have gone to work yesterday. At work I had such low expectations and was so focused on just surviving, that everything went swimmingly well. Watch me fuck up something today.

I know that starting from a point of, "Please help me to get a happier, less lonely life" is not the way to get a happier life, but that's how I feel today. I know: be grateful that I'm healthy and employed.

9:09 a.m. - 2009-01-22

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