enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Adventure on your doorstep

OK. First, to Fifi: You don't ever have to comment. You're Fifi-o-riffic just as you are, wherever you are.

That goes to all of you: I don't write here for comments, which I think you all know. Otherwise I would read and comment on far more diaries and grow the population of people who can tolerate my neuroses!

:)

I had QUITE an EPIPHANICAL night.

At the outset, YES, I'm sure that this has something to do with M.

But he's not going to be mentioned again in this diary.

This evening, I had one of those synchronicity moments quite similar to the one that I had last night. Only this time I decided not to go to Italy or to Europe at all this spring.

I was doing the dishes, or rather eating too much chicken (belly still full of schicken, which is what C. calls my chickens), when the epiphany came to me.

I think that the last two days at work, as well as the comments of the counselor last week about pleasure and so on, have made me focus a bit on what I MUST change for my health and wellbeing.

Italy is wonderful and I needed to go there this past year, but this year I feel is the year of staying at home. I'm shocked by saying this.

(And I don't mean to exclude visits to the U.S., even, since those are not so far nor so expensive.)

I'm thinking that I need to take little trips this year. Perhaps California in April! And then I'll visit New York to see my friend Alan and maybe do a little bit of shopping! ;) Perhaps I'll take a wee trip to Newfoundland in the summer. Not sure.

What I know for sure is that I need to 1) join the cycling club; and 2) however it must be done, invite more people into my life. I'm actually going to buy a sofa and clean up the place a bit and invite people over. In fact, I'm having a skating party next weekend. It's just going to be a wee thing, and I HOPE that at least a few people will attend, but why not.

Yes, I think that this year, or at least the first half of it, will be the year of North America. Perhaps in the spring of 2010 I'll reward myself for working on my life here with a little trip to Paris.

I need to get a new job. That's going to be priority number one. I won't go into the details about it, but today I was reminded again of how giant some of the assholes are in my orkplace. It's downright demoralizing. I don't use that language lightly.

A woman in my office - one of the only ones I like, and not part of the professional corps - said that she was at a stress workshop a few years ago and gleaned some interesting insights into the public service. Apparently everyone in the workshop took a stress test at the outset, and everyone in the course rated nearly off the charts for levels of stress. I mean, abstracting from the fact that these people were taking the course in the first place, when asked the instructor said that the results can be explained very simply. Public servants have very little control over their work, unless they're at the very top. Having some sense of control over what you do and what represents you is key to feeling good and relaxed.

Makes a grand bit of sense to me.

Obviously, I can't leave the public service right away. But I CAN leave my toxic work environment. After the you-know-what fuddle duddle is done I will talk to my boss about my promotion. I will start scanning job postings and putting the word out to people I know to hear of opportunities. And at the same time I'll casually start looking at courses and thinking about other work that I might enjoy.

This year is also going to be the year of cycling. I love to cycle. Hopefully I'll meet people in the club with whom I can possibly plan a trip in future years. Possibly I'll go on that ride to Maine in September!

I think I finally wrote my love letter to 2009. It will be the year of my domestication. Italy will wait for me. Of course I could just as easily change my mind tomorrow, but this change of course feels mildly possible. At least some winds of change are blowing through.

12:03 a.m. - 2009-01-21

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