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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Stared myself in the face today.

Kind of along the opine of Anna's yesterday, I'm wondering why Sunday evening tv is so crap and scary. Even on the terrible "hallmark" type of channel they always have these dreadful movies about good-looking single women who are fragile in widowhood or abandonment or something who hook up with hot men who turn out to be murderers or some other such nonsense.

WHY!?

A signal that I should not be watching tv.

I canceled my cable on November 1, you'll remember, but it is still working...

Anyhow. So I have seemed a little "off" this weekend. I have been so. But not in a bad way, exactly. I've been sad, self-pitying, anxious, the lot...but at the same time I've been taking the opportunity to practise patience with myself, gratitude, and to slow down and accept what is happening to me.

So even though I slept until 11 a.m. today and didn't do much all day (I mean, AT ALL), I'm not beating myself up about it. I'm trying to link back to my soul, if that makes any sense, and fighting everything else isn't going to help.

I think in part I'm mourning/grieving the Marco thing, and mostly trying to figure out how that fits in with all of my core of heavy baggage.

On the whole though it was a good weekend. Today I DID slow down my thoughts and forgive myself for being paralyzed. It's bloody cold here and I've been working under such stress (multiple panic attacks last week), so I need to be quiet, still, and to recover on the weekends for now. I also lost a friend in December. His memorial service was yesterday. I felt badly for not going but it was way out in Quebec and I did not feel comfortable going there on my own. I said my prayer for R. on my own.

Soo...I made a nice multigrain pizza dough yesterday and C. and I indulged in the first half before going to the movies last night. C. laughed his ass off at the bag of multigrain flour that I managed to haul home by myself (10 kg, I think), but I've always been a bread baker and I've lost that of late. I need to get back to kneading. I'm going to make my own pita and crackers for sandwiches and snacks. I made the second pizza just an hour or so ago, after returning from the supermarket, and I'll have leftovers for lunch tomorrow. It's a very healthy, homemade affair, and that always feels good. Speaking about pleasure, I really need to give myself the time to always prepare special meals and snacks for myself. No corner-cutting. I love to make and eat from-scratch food. My rule is to never buy anything processed or with chemicals in it. It's pretty easy to do if you are willing to put just a little bit of time into cooking each day.

I think that that is more of a "want" than a "should," so I'll give myself that.

In other news, I got an email from my friend Joan today. She's planning - probably - to take another course in Florence this year - the follow-up to the one that we did in September - and I might join her. That one is in May. That would excuse me from the earlier plan of April, which was likely to remind me of Marco. At the same time, I've been thinking of not going at all, but I don't want Marco to spoil an idea that was more about me and my wants in the first place. We'll see. I'll think about it. I guess things will partly hinge on whether I get that job. Also, I could choose to be sensible for a change and save money...

Oh! I did have one wonderful thought today. It's that I really do want to commit to doing my own biking trips. I'm going to join the cycling club in March and I'm going to aim to do an adventure trip next year - maybe to somewhere in South America. I love to cycle. It would be wonderful if I could meet some people here with whom to do the trip. But then again, maybe I will adventure alone. I'm capable of that.

At this point - I was thinking this as I was walking along in the snow to the grocery store - so cold, so windy, UGH - I'm not exactly sure if the Foreign Affairs job is the right one for me. On one level I think I'd be very good at it and it might permit me to start working towards something at which I would get more satisfaction - e.g. working on international development issues with other countries - but at the same time I'm just not sure. It's a big commitment - a life commitment - to move around all of the time. It might make it easier for me to find a spouse if I found one also in the service; it might also make it impossible. Not that that's the whole purpose of my life, but I'm just not sure what I can live without in my life. I'll be honest - when Fifi wrote about buying something to share with Ned yesterday it gave me such a pang. I do not want to be alone forever.

I mean, I know that I'm not alone. C. always tells me that. It seems ungrateful not to appreciate all of the love in my life as I have it. I'm focusing too much on just one thing. I don't know. Patience. Patience.

Well, I will stuff my face a little bit further and make a cup of soothing tea. No decisions need to be made today. I did no drawing and no reading but I did do positive things for myself. I also listened to a wonderful radio interview with Dervla Murphy, before I had to do a bit of work by listening to some crap about the economy and the upcoming stimulus package. UGH. Anyhow. Again, patience.

Love, love love to you all!

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9:34 p.m. - 2009-01-18

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